A little letter to….The Boy

The 21st of May 2011.

We joked wryly about the apocalypse that everyone else laughed so flippantly over.
On the inside, on some level, we were believers.
Everyone joked as the day ended and they were still in one piece.
But we didn’t.
Our worlds – correction: our world – did end that day.
By midnight, we’d dismantled the life we’d created together and I slept alone in what had been our bed, staring at a blank future.

Subconsciously, I’d tried to warn us a few weeks early.
Without fail, whenever I feel like I’m losing control of things, I cut my hair stupidly short or I stubbornly attempt to pierce the cartilage in my ear yet again.
This time is was the hair.
I was too preoccupied with other things to pick up on it and you just didn’t see anything unusual about it.
Why would you?
I haven’t felt the need to do either of those things in four years.

A little letter to….Taylor Momsen -The WR Version

So I’m taking a wee break while I get my life in order and try to find a new place to live.
Don’t worry though because some wonderful blogging ladies have volunteered to entertain you in my absense.
First up….WR from White Rabbit…

Dear Taylor

If I had the chance, I would just skip the letter and slap you across the face. Sadly, this is The Internet and I can’t do that so I’ll proceed.

Taylor, Taylor, Taylor – That is unless you have decided to change your name to something more edgy and emo like…I dunno…Blackwidow or Svetlana Megadeath.

You upset me very much. Your face. Your attitude. The way you dress. The very mention of your name makes my skin crawl with embarrassment for you.

Sometimes when I am in the middle of cringing for you and your behaviour (all your own fucking fault I might add), I try to remind myself that you are just a child. You are a CHILD. A child who insists on flashing her illegal boobs at the paparazzi. The way you dress is all kinds of wrong and I’m sure if you weren’t getting a steady paycheck from a studio or your little music project that lets you pretend you are a rock star, you wouldn’t have been taken into care by now.

“She also grins when asked if she’s single, and replies that she is, that she’s not into guys, waits a beat, then adds she’s not gay but just bored of men and her best friend is her vibrator.”

Bored of men at 16? Talking about vibrators before you are even legal? How controversial of you. Dick.

You make me feel old. Very old. I remember the days when you were just a sweet button-nosed little Cindy-Lou Who in The Grinch. I bet it delights you to be associated with something so wholesome doesn’t it? Who would have known you would turn into an unwashed, tatty lingerie wearing, banshee with a possibly haunted vagina screeching about how edgy she is to anyone who will listen. The more you shite on about how little you care and how all this dark, emo stuff just comes naturally to you without any pre-planning simply achieves the opposite dear. It’s hard to be taken seriously as a hardcore goth when most people associate you with either a kids film or a teen drama about superficial slutty rich kids eh?

“I probably am a bad influence. The other day, this reporter brought his 12-year-old daughter to an interview. She was looking at me open-mouthed, like: ‘I want stripper shoes, Daddy!’ He hated me! But I’m not saying, ‘Be like me.’ I hope girls read what I say in interviews – they should just be themselves. They wouldn’t want to be like me. I’m crazy. I’m fucking out of my mind. I’ve been told I was out of my mind since I was 11.”

Whatever you say dear. You are ‘mad’ so you are.

“Everyone’s like, ‘Wow, why is she upset and why is she so miserable about things?’ My parents signed me up with Ford (modeling agency) at the age of two. No two year old wants to be working, but I had no choice. My whole life, I was in and out of school. I didn’t have friends. I was working constantly and I didn’t have a real life.”

There is nothing I love more than spoilt little Hollywood brats complaining about the hand they have been dealt despite an obvious lack of talent (Kristen Stewart I’m looking at you). You, Ms Momsen, are a prime example of such an arrogant spoilt brat. If you want a real life, the door is right there.

Everything you do seems to be an adolescent statement of teenage rebellion. Take your recent appearance at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards. My aren’t you happy looking. You could not demonstrate any more how little you give a shit about these things Taylor. You have a face not even your Ma could love. However, I ask you, if you REALLY didn’t give a shit why would you be there in the first place Taylor? Why be there in the first place?.

You make ME want to die Taylor Momsen. Die of CRINGE. I know one day you’ll wake up and think back on your stupid teenage antics made in an incredibly public forum and you will be mortified and I will laugh, LAUGH I SAY from whatever it is I’m doing. Possibly writing another angry letter to the celebrity annoying me at the time.

In conclusion – Grow up you little emo twat. Brush your hair and put your knickers away. You aren’t old enough to be flashing your crotch around like some cheap hooker…or Madonna.

Lots of love

WR

 

A little letter to…. the Irish Blog Awards Committee

Dear Committee,

I would like to begin this letter by saying it’s not an attack on you.
I’m well aware of the fact that you probably get a number of sad people who love to criticise your efforts, but I assure you I’m not one of them.
I’ve said on a number of occasions how great I think you are for all your hard work and I genuinely do look forward to the Awards, enjoy being involved in the judging process and love the opportunity to discover new blogs.

Early today I asked you via Twitter if there were going to be separate categories for Fashion and Beauty blogs.
The lovely Blau also posed this question.
This was the response we got:

I didn’t realise Fashion and Beauty bloggers were second class blogosphere citizens that had to hold their own measly awards for recognition.

Now I understand that fashion and beauty seem shallow, trivial and superficial to some people.
Well plenty of people feel that way about sports.
Others may think those topics are mindnumbing.
Again, plenty of people feel the same about politics.

As I pointed out to The Boy in a rant earlier on – a point that Blau later raised on Twitter – if you’re not going to separate Fashion and Beauty, then why would you separate Politics from News and Current Affairs?
The Political Blog category could even be combined with Blog by a Politician in to one shiny Politics category.

Photography is separated from Arts and Culture, but Fashion and Beauty are still lumped together.

When this issue is raised, there are remarks along the lines of “they just want categories designed for only them”.
Well I’m not a fashion OR a beauty blogger, so this isn’t a personal issue.
I’m not asking for an obscure category such as Extreme Ironing Blogs.
I’m asking for Fashion and Beauty to be acknowledged as different topics -something many other bloggers have also called for, only to be fobbed off.

If money is the issue, I would be more than happy to pay for the award that is handed out on the night.
If there are other monetary costs that I’m not aware of, well I’ll say here and now that A Chick Named Hermia will sponsor the Fashion category if you, the committee, will listen to bloggers’ suggestions and separate the topics.
….I should add that I’m obviously not rich, but once the sponsor fee is reasonable and not a couple of grand, I’d be more than happy to pay up.

I am asking you guys now not to get defensive or feel like you’re being attacked and instead listen to what I am saying and take it on board .
I am not criticising your hard work, your efforts or the ceremony itself.
What I am criticising is your failure to listen to what bloggers are asking you and for making Fashion and Beauty Bloggers feel less significant than ‘heavy topic’ writers.

I hope you’ll do the right thing.
Hermia
oxox

 

A little letter to….my ‘haters’

Dear ‘Haters’,

First of all, thank you for thinking I’m important enough to write abusive emails/comments to.

In regards to the specific topics you guys have touched on, I have never said I have an interesting life.
I also don’t think I’m terribly important.
I just enjoy writing about things I come across in my daily life.
But if you don’t think what I talk about is interesting, nobody is making you read my blog.
So click elsewhere.
Duh!

Also I don’t think I’m ‘amazing’ or ‘hot’, but shockingly enough even in lacking these qualities, I’m still entitled to an opinion.
You don’t have to agree.
You don’t have to like it.
You also don’t need to take the time to tell me what an ugly retarded-looking bitch I am -The Boy will tell you I spend more enough time criticising myself.
And to be honest, I don’t think how I look really has anything to do with what I write about here.
Although you guys like to claim that whenever I criticise anyone female it’s just because I’m a jealous hater, who is ugly and miserable.
Believe it or not, it is possible for a girl to criticise another girl without it being about jealousy.

I hope it makes you feel good to have me actually write about all the things you guys have said.
15mins of fame and all that.
And now you’ve had your moment, you can feck off and quit worrying about my blog and what I write.
Maybe work on that skin collection you’ve been building up.

I know I’d much rather spend my time looking at all the lovely and supportive emails and comments I usually get than spending brain cells on you guys.

Have a nice day.

Hermia

A little letter to…. Taylor Momsen

Dear Taylor,

Ok, so I was like totally putting the finishing touches to the new suspenders and see-through shirt outfit I made for my Barbie, and I thought of you.

You’re, like, just such an inspiration!

You totally stick it to the man and your Screw You attitude is totally admirable, especially the way you rebel against the Gossip Girl team all the time. I mean PLEASE, so they gave you your big break…so what? Does that mean that they can tell you how you should dress and what you should say when you’re playing Lil J? You totally know better, Taylor! This ‘vampire drug addict’ look you have Jenny working now is TOTALLY better than the ‘edgy pretty girl’ look they had her stuck with last season.

You’re like a total hero. I mean, you could actually be the next Martin Luther King, cos he like totally stood up for the rights of black people and you like totally stand up for the rights of 15 and 16-year-olds to smoke and drink and dress like hookers.

You’re such a visionary.

Oh and other musicians will totally respect your badass attitude and the way you keep going on about how mature you are and how hard your life is.

You’re a real musician. I mean, music like saved you, Taylor. Before music, you were like this privileged teenager who had every opportunity at her feet, and now you’re like totally hated by everyone and people say you’ve got an attitude, which is awesome!

Also, it’s just really inspiring that you’re always saying how much you hate the media and how you don’t give a shit what people say. It must be such a drag that even though you always complain about getting so much media attention, they keeping mentioning your tour and your album just because you’ve dropped it into every sentence you’ve uttered around them.

And isn’t it crazy that they say your attitude is just this big act for the media and that acting Too Cool means you do care what everyone thinks?

Anyway, just letting you know how great you are, but you’re probably too bored and inconvenienced to even read this, which is really awesome.

Lots of Love,

Hermia

oxox

PS: Comparing yourself to Kurt Cobain was a totally great move.

A little letter to…Alexandra Burke

Dear Alex,

You’re annoying.

Please stop talking.

And singing.

And generally leaving your house.

Lots of Love,

Hermia

A little letter to …Vanessa Hudgens

Dearest Vanessa,

I was browsing through Perez there and just saw a clip from the Teen Choice Awards where Dane Cook hit you with a total low blow!

Just in case you’ve forgotten what happened, I’ll remind me you:

Dane started off saying that he needed to mention something that everyone was thinking but wouldn’t say, and then he goes “Where’s Vanessa Hudgens!!? Vanessa!?”. The Camera cuts to you and you’re so totally excited that somebody’s talking about you and you start waving about and wooooing.

And then he says ….

“Guuuuuirl, you gots to keep your clothes on! Phones are for phone calls, girl,”

Everyone just started laughing! Even your friend who was sitting with you!? How despicable!

And then there’s this moment where you look way deep and way smart because you can actually just see the light click on in your head as you realise what he’s doing. And then you flashed him this way effective stony face!

I couldn’t believe it! I mean you’re a Disney star, so like it’s SO totally the rule that no one ever talks about anything sexual in relation to you! Just like the way nobody said anything about Miley wearing hotpants and writhing against a stripper pole during her performance!

The first time your nudey photos were leaked, I felt so bad for you because you were only 16 and were kinda new to the fame and the media-stalkage. Also you had a way pretty boyfriend you were trying to impress!

And this time, like so many people are calling you stupid and attention-seeking for taking more photos and letting them get into someone else’s hands! I just think they are so unfair and totally mean people, cos it’s totally believable that you’d think that because it happened to you once, then you were safe from it happening again.

Stay strong guuuuuurl!

Freedom of Photography!!

Hugs and Kisses,

Hermia.

PS: I totally don’t find it suspicious that it all happened at the time your new movie is hitting cinemas….it’s total coincidence!!!!!

A little letter to ….Annoying People Who Take The Bus

Dear Annoying People Who Take The Bus,

(Specifically those of you who open all the windows you can reach).

I know you might think it’s warm: maybe the sun actually came out for five minutes and you’re feeling all footloose and fancy-free. So you waddle onto one of our beautiful Dublin Bus buses and instead of, oh I dunno, taking off your jacket, you instead proceed to yank open all the previously closed windows around you.

Now in future I would like you to take note of the following things when you feel a compulsion to do this:

• If everyone on the bus is shivering, this is an indication that it may be too cold to open the windows. Similarly is everyone is cuddled up in their winter coats, you can assume extra cold air is not required.
• If you break into a sweat just getting out of your chair, then you’re probably equiped with a much larger amount of adipose tissue and therefore are always going to be far more insulated than the majority of the population who are not giant fatties so deal with it instead of punishing non-obese people.
• If you’ve just come on a bus that is about halfway through its route and all the windows have been left closed, that has to tell you that the general consensus is that it’s bloody freezing and so heat needs to be conserved. Obvious exceptions are if you are the ONLY PERSON on the bus, or if every person on the bus is armless (in which case you should politely ask if anyone minds ….and maybe wonder if you’re on the wrong bus).
• Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean it’s actually hot and warrants window opening on public transport: we live in IRELAND so every season is Winter.
• All this crap about ‘fresh air’ is stupid and lame. If everyone on the bus is bundled up in winter woolies, there is more than enough ‘fresh air’ and if you let anymore ‘fresh air’ in, you’re going to give everyone pneumonia and I doubt you’re going to be the one to foot THOSE medical bills!
• Anybody who doesn’t have two brain cells who spend their time fighting for dominance, knows that because those windows are at the top of the window pane AND only open to a 45 degree angle, any air that comes in whooshes to the back of the bus. Therefore when you sit at the front of the bus and open all the windows around you, you’re not going to notice much of a difference, but the people in the back have ICICLES forming on their faces. Basically, if you have to be so GODDAMN SELFISH and still insist on opening a window to fan your moist brow, sit at the back of the bus and open ONE window right in front of you.

You are not the only person on the bus and nobody cares what YOU ALONE want: we must work for the greater good …I’m pretty sure it says that in the bible ….or Harry Potter ….lol it was in Harry Potter (Deathly Hallows) …well Harry Potter SHOULD be our bible.

In summation, stop being selfish jerks.

Yours,

Hermia

A little letter to …Peaches Geldof

Dear Peaches,

Omg Omg Omg. I’m so excited to be writing this letter to you, although I’ll admit that part of me is really nervous because I know it won’t reach your high level of writing and so, you may think little of me.

But Peaches, isn’t it just terribly harsh to judge people who weren’t blessed with all your literary talent? I mean, I know it’s a drag when you watch all these people fumble their way through journalism degrees and english degrees to work in such a terribly low-grade publications like The Independent or The Mail, and then actually think they deserve to call themselves ‘writers’.

It’s degrading enough for them to have to do that kind of terrible job without super-talented people like you pointing it out. Like we all know how terribly beneath you we all are, but when you think about it, it’s just not possible for everyone to have your genius. I guess what I’m saying is that even though I know you hate lying, maybe you could just not point out when someone is stuck in a crappy job or on the breadline.

Oh God, I so hope I haven’t offended you. You know I love you, but sometimes your words can hurt.

I do hate to find fault with you, Peaches and let’s face it, it is nearly impossible to do! I mean you’re so interesting looking, and you have hobo chic so down that it looks natural on you, and you’re this really great writer who totally gets by on her own talent and not on her family name.

And you stick by your principles. You don’t write for crummy newspapers or conventional magazines like Marie Claire. You went off and did your own thing by working on Nylon Magazine (web publications are so the future, you’re right!), and didn’t sell out your dreams, like the working class hacks trying to pay rent and support a family in a cut-throat recession.

I mean really, I just want to say you’re my idol and I want to be like you.

I would just love to have your carefree ‘whatever’ attitude, where you step on people to get your own way and don’t think twice about it, but unfortunately I’m being dragged down by this inconvenient thing called a ‘soul’.

Anyhoo, I really hope you read this letter, although again I can totally understand if you think you’re too important to read something writen by a nobody like me.

Yours forever,

Hermia.

PS: I totally agree with you being a better role model for young girls than Miley Cyrus. You’re so open and honest and those girls need someone who’ll tell them that it’s not the end of the world if you take drugs and will show them how to get their own way no matter what.

inspired by this article

A little letter to …Serena Van Der Woodsen

Dear Serena of Season 2,

Thank you for taking a stand.

Thank you for spurring on the feminist movement.

Thank you for trying to make it ok for girls to wear clothes that are incredibly unflattering to their shape.

Thank you for stepping up and saying, Hey, we can look like trashy tramps if we want!

Screw the fashion gurus who say you can’t bare your legs AND your clevage at the same time.

Girl Power!!

Lots o Love,

Hermia

PS: I really think clown make-up will be the next big thing!