A little letter to… Kirsten Stewart

Dear Kirsty,

It’s been a while since I’ve thought about you.

There was a time when you filled my head and  all I could see was your awkward shuffling and that look of inconvenience that constantly smeared your face.

And then I saw you at the MTV Movie Awards and it all came flooding back.

I was breathless as I watched you and Robbie collect award after award, marvelling at the fact that such an awful film could dominate so many catagories and concluding that everyone involved in the voting was a labotomised monkey.

And then as I watched you roll your eyes when they called your name as Best Actress, for a second I believed that you actually knew how truly terrible you were in Twilight and how you ruined any teeny chance it had to be good.

But then I realised that you were probably emo-ing the fact that fame was just being an inconvenient bore to you yet again.

I watched as you gave that rambling, lathargic speech that made quite a lot of people question whether or not you were high, and wondered how it was I ever forgot about you.

I used to be able to spend hours talking about you and how rude and unappealling you were as an actress and a person.

I lamented what we used to be.

And then I pissed myself laughing when you dropped your award.



PS: I liked your dress.



Filed under A little letter to..., Movies

16 responses to “A little letter to… Kirsten Stewart

  1. This is hilarious!
    There really is something off about her.

  2. best.letter.EVER!
    i like the books but the movie was truly horrid


  3. omg SERIOUSLY. she is the worst actress, cannot believe she won best actress for Twilight, and she is SO unbelievably ungrateful it’s unreal. ugh can’t stand her. i’ll be amazed if she can “act” enough to shed a tear in New Moon.

  4. ugh! so im just about to start reading these books (dun dun dun) but i agree – what was with her? she had this ‘what a bunch of bs’ attitude and its like wtf you’re making gazillions of dollars and having all of this success – the least you could do is look slightly smile

  5. alicelolita

    lol nice letter, did she really drop her award..talk about butterfingers…i also liked her dress….

  6. She’s a first class, Grade A twat. There are much better actresses out there who deserved the role

  7. dear kirstin you are the bomb think your movie cold creek maner was good i dont care wat people think wat i say but i think that you make a good actress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well by:)

  8. Arabelle Aeropostale

    LMFAO. Loved the movie though 🙂

  9. April – you really are not helping the cause of Twilight fans here.

    This > . is a full stop. Full stop? This is April.

  10. Such sadness…I really wanted to deep-sea dive into her vagina as she starred in Adventureland, an incredibly underrated film. But now she has two Twilight flicks under her belt, and all my mind will let me think of her is, “well, the shine’s off that apple.” So, so unfortunate.

  11. Pingback: Je ne comprend pas…. | A Chick Named Hermia

  12. Could it be you’re just jealous? think about it.
    in fact she has a life and doesnt need to talk about you and how much she dislikes you.

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