Valentines Cards: the emotional equivelent of Porn

Would you believe I bought my very first Valentines Day card last Friday?

Wait a minute, you say, I thought you and The Boy have been together for a few years!

Three years this June, to be exact, and yes I know it doesn’t look good.

Basically we had some “Too cool” issues during our first year when he was in France and we were still adjusting from the “friends who contantly insult and take the piss out of each other” stage to “the couple” stage.

And then I planned a massive surprise night for our second Valentines Day, and with all the hectic planning to make sure everything went smoothly, I completely forgot to buy a card.

He forgave me….it really was an AMAZING surprise.

I should mention that Sunday wasn’t the first time I ever gave someone a Valentines card though.

When I was 6, I made a card for a boy in another class who I thought was my one true love and got his cousin to give it to him for me.

I never heard anything back .

I was a pretty hideous child.

I resembled a turkey for the first few years of my life.

Then when I was 10, I sent a card to another boy who was in the year ahead of me. My mum bought the card for me and I wrote and post it. This time I didn’t put my name on it, so that inevitable rejection could be mentally denied and I tried to reassure myself that he didn’t immediately ask me to marry him because he didn’t know who sent him this wonderful card.

In hindsight, he totally knew it was me.

I was his frizzy-haired shadow for about a year before that.

He was nice about my stalking though.

I plan on naming my first child after him.

I’m sure The Boy won’t mind being reminded of my 10-year-old obsession every time he looks at Tadhg, his firstborn.

Anyway, this isn’t about my disaterous love history….that requires many future posts all of its own.

This post is about Valentines Cards.

First of all, I picked a terrible time to buy one and went looking after work on Friday.

The card shop was PACKED and this resulted in awkward, shifty queuing to see the cards, in the manner of men looking at porn.

See, nobody wanted to seem to be putting to much emotional effort into picking a card. We all tried to be non-chalant and whatevs, looking as though we’d all buy the first card we put our hands on.

Everyone was watching everyone else to see how long they spent looking at the cards.

They’d strain to see what another person’s card said.

When you caught someone looking at the card you were holding, you immediately became paranoid that they thought you were a sap.

Some guys picked up cards that said things like “For You, My Sexy Mama”, and while pretending to examine them, you could see them trying to get a look at the one with the bear holding a flower.

Other guys picked up cards that said things like “I never really saw the sun until I saw your face” and then tried to throw looks at other guys as if to say,”It’s just cos it’s what me Missus’d want which means I’ll get laid”.

*cough* Yeah right *cough*

You have to understand that while Irish people are world-renowned for our charming womanising ways, well, that’s all it is: charming womanising ways. Under that you’ll find nothing but clueless emotional-retardedness. They don’t want to be seen having ‘feelings’ or being ‘sensitive’, cos that means they’re a “an Oscar Wilde readin’, disco-dancin’, Streisand ticket-holding friend-of Dorothy”, to quote the eloquant cast of Clueless.

Don’t get me wrong, Irish boys can be sweet with their girlfriends…..in private…..with the doors locked…..and the curtains pulled….and no one within a five mile radius in case they accidently overhear anything….

In contrast to the guys, the girls were all in competition with each other to see who was picking up the cutest love-filled card there, as though though the sappiness of the card signalled the sensitive-wonderful-ness of their significant other.

I was definitely a Guy in this situation.

On the outside, I appeared very Fonz-like, pretend-texting on my phone as though I didn’t care enough to concentrate on my card buying, snorting and rolling my eyes at certain cards that were too love-y, etc, etc, while on the inside I was like “Oh God, this card just isn’t expressing how I feel” and immediately feeling embarrassed if I’d pick up a really cheesy card and catch someone else looking at, praying they didn’t mistake my for one those “OMG My Boyfriend My Boyfriend My BOYFRIEND” girls.

I did find one that was just right.

Then I proceeded to queue awkwardly, trying to hide the front of the card from other queuers and then blushed when the till guy had to scan it and quietly asked him for a brown paper bag….

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9 Comments

Filed under Daily Update., General Observations, Pretty Things

9 responses to “Valentines Cards: the emotional equivelent of Porn

  1. AH GEE! SCUNDERED FOR YE!

    Never bought one myself. I was far too emotionally unstable to risk the rejection.

    Fair play for having the balls to do it though!

  2. Oooh, I remember it vividly. I think it’s horrible to put children through the trauma of rejection. Sure, some kids will have to deal with rejection their whole lives, but why shatter their innocence at such a young age? Let them find out for themselves they’re hideous.

    Well done on getting a card though, I love how you only bought one when there was no chance of the recipient thinking anything other than how sweet you were!

  3. This made me giggle. Great post 😀 I’ve never bought a Valentines card, though I did receive a rather nice Valentines letter this year. Hope your love enjoyed the card.

  4. Haha hilarious story. The boyfriend and I never go celebrate this day as well. This year, though, I ended up giving him something I made and he gave me printed copies of Polaroid-like photos we took. But the day itself, we just ignored it. Haha

  5. i LOVED this post.
    my past few Valentines Days haven’t ended as well as I hoped, i feel like it’s bad luck, kind of.
    I love the pictures in here, though, and I’m glad to hear yours went well = ]
    there are few things better than finding a perfectly fitting card

  6. Eve

    You are such a brilliant writer! I love these “story” posts! They’re so much fun to read!

  7. dustjacket attic

    Best laugh I’ve had all day…..great post…ahh if only I could write.

    Oh I loved the little kitten pic, too cute.
    xoxo DJ

  8. We were “required” to give valentines to each kid in our class when I was in elementary school. I remember yelling “eeeewwww!” with my girlfriends any time one of them was signed “Love, insertcreepyboynamehere.” Ah, good times.

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