A little rant about….Fake Tan

Dear Lord, there is very little worse than an orange person.

Not that I’m an orangist.

If you’ve a medical complaint, I haven’t anything against you.

I love you just as you are.

But what exactly is wrong with the girls who dose themselves in smelly goo and look in the mirror and their newly-tangerined complexion and think that this is a good look?

An attractive look?

Personally, if my skin turned that colour, I’d lock myself away from human kind until every trace of the tango was gone.

Bleach blonde hair, orange skin and throw some UGG boots on for good measure.

I know that when a person looks in the mirror, they don’t see what everyone else sees, but can a person’s perception be SO messed up that they think this nulear glow is something to work for and be proud of?

I remember when I turned 17, Ma decided to put together a nice collection of girly stuff as part of my present.

Included in this was tanning wipes.

Not that Ma is a Tangerine Queen herself, but she saw all the other girls using this stuff and thought that because I’m the colour of fresh death, I’d want to join in with this trend.

My parents had some issues with my pale skin and were always telling me to get out in the sun and “get a bit of colour”, completely ignoring my insistance that I just don’t tan.


But I think this constant criticism made me feel like being pale was as hideous as my giant frizzy hair, so I decided to give them a go.

Read the instructions, which said to rub the wipes over my skin and leave for a few hours for the colour to show.

So I decided to test it out on my arms, on a Sunday night before school (the traditional Bath Night) and went to bed, expecting to wake to beautiful golden skin.

Instead awoke to skin the colour of rich mahogony.

Oh. Sweet. Jesus.

AND despite NO amount of scrubbing that colour did NOT budge.

My hands looked ridiculous.

Any self-respecting parent who had inflicted this on their child would have let them hide under the quilt and take the day off school to allow for at least 20 showers.

But not Ma.

And so I had to go to school.

And be ridiculed by my friends for the entire day.

And for the next three days it took for the colour to wear off.

Good times….



Filed under A little rant about...., Fashion, General Observations, Photography

24 responses to “A little rant about….Fake Tan

  1. well said! Thanks for the comment! Great blog 🙂

  2. I don’t get it either.

    The other day Mr D and I were driving through the little narrow streets of our town and a woman in a pink (yes, that’s right, pink) Mini passed us. She was so orange we both stopped and just stared at the strangeness. All you could see were two white eyes, blonde hair and Tango skin, orange enough to make an Oompa Loompa jealous.

    And for Mr D to notice too, well, it must have been bad.

  3. The “tangerined complexion”; that sounds dangerous!
    Nice text, cheers.

  4. I actually think fake tan is quite an improvement on most Irish ‘ladies’! In fact, I had a letter published in a highly reputable daily publication on the topic a few months ago. http://bit.ly/d3xb1J

  5. I used those wipes once in my life. After reading in Bliss or Sugar or something that they were very handy for hiding tan lines, I used one to hide the lines left over from my bikini straps. And then decided to use it on that little bit under your forearm that just doesn’t tan. A few hours later, I looked ridiculous. The white parts had turned orange. And yep, took forever to scrub off.

    I’m a big fan of Rimmel Sun Shimmer though. Rub some on when you need it and wash it off when you’re done.

  6. fake tan touches itself at night.fact

  7. I hear ya on the fake tan. I think they look like over-sized Opa Lupas from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate factory. A friend of mine is orange all your year round. THEY MUST BE STOPPED!! Also it makes me feel reallllly realllly pale!!

  8. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA you make me laugh!

  9. Fake tan makes you smell like biscuits

  10. oh you poor lady!

    totally agree. i think if you are going to tan, you need to do it right. ORANGE is not in.

  11. I HATE fake tan! Pale and white, thats me!

    When i was a teenager i thought that it would be a good idea to use that stuff thats moisturiser that develops slowly, only i used one WAY too dark for my skin tone and i looked like i’d been on a sunbed for a week. Disgusting!! xxx

  12. Eve

    I’m super pale as well and I’m very happy with it! I think its sad that you need to be tan to be pretty, because there are some gorgeous super pale people! I don’t tan either, only burn, which is not pleasant!
    Ah well, one day us pale people will take over the world, or something just as nice 🙂

  13. Dee

    Ha! A rant after my own (pale) heart. 🙂

  14. Zakerius

    Haha, I enjoyed that one a lot.
    Can imagine you with mahogany arms, it must have been amazing, poor dear.
    I watched this show on tanorexics once, very scary.

  15. Why, why, why do people seem to believe this is a good look? Bleugh.

  16. I hate tanning. Not even just the wipe-on or spray-on kind, but all tanning. Why bother? I’m from Ohio, y’all. The sun doesn’t shine for at least seven months of the year. Who on earth expects me to be tan? Why waste my money?!

  17. too funny! i have just given in to the paleness.

  18. what a funny story! Poor you …..it was character building, no? What a lovely blog you have I am adding you to my blogroll x

  19. Orange, white, yellow, no need to rant about everything in life. People are quick to scrutinise every little fact if we don’t look a certain way. Eegor does not care for your opinion on anything, who are U?

  20. james tennant

    fake tan is for wannabe jordans and ladettes who want to look easy.

    This girl came up to me yesterday and asked me out so i told her “sorry,i dont date oranges,i only date humans” it was sooo funny!!

    fake tan is for insecure “girls”

  21. Emmaa

    When I was about 14 I used that moisturiser fake tan, and wasn’t clever enough to know that it isn’t instant, and it develops gradually. So I kept slathering it on and on, wondering why my skin wasn’t beginning to resemble Cheryl Cole’s. Disgruntled, I went to bed, cursing the faulty tan.

    I woke up looking like a sunburnt oompa loompa.

    As you said, Good times.

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