Let me tell you the time I…told a room full of people about my vagina

Not the thing you’d normally expect to find on A Chick Named Hermia, and not the type of thing people usually come here to read, so even though I’m not expecting many comments, I’m still gonna tell you about this event.

Because I share ALL embarrassing stories with you guys….I am a gluten for punishment *sigh*

So there I was.

Total darkness.

I could feel sweat dripping down the back of my neck.

My legs were trembling.

My breath was coming in quiet gasps.

I knew that at that very moment, on the other side of that darkness, there was about 150 people.

Some friends, some strangers.

As I debated whether or not to run, I was suddenly blinded by lights.

Two months before this moment, it had seemed like a great idea.

My world was completely hectic between it being my final year in college and being the Arts Editor for the college paper and directing a production of Romeo and Juliet, so when my friend told me she was bringing The Vagina Monologues to DCU for a second year, it seemed  so far away and non-scary that I said Sure, of course I’ll try out for it.

I didn’t even think I’d get past the audition stage.

And then I did.

And then the two months flew by.

The show was scheduled to happen in The Helix at the end of the week that my own R&J was on there.

I was so stressed I didn’t even THINK about The Monologues during those final days.

Even the day it was on, I was preoccupied with clearing my own show’s stuff out of the theatre and barely gave it a thought.

And then, before I knew it, I was standing at the side of the stage waiting for one of the girls to finish her Vagina Facts.

What the HELL was I thinking!!!!!???

I barely like HUGGING people, don’t mind talking about vaginas for 10mins ON STAGE!!!!!

“This is how I came to love my vagina….”

Yes, I said those words in front of people.

Lots of people.

My monologue was called Because He Liked To Look At It**.

It was about a guy called Bob who liked vaginas.

A lot.

“Vaginas are beautiful. Our self-hatred is only the internalised repression and hatred of the patriarchal culture. It isn’t real. Pussies Unite!”

yes, I said that TOO…

I was standing for most of my performance, but for a small part in the middle, I had to sit down and Sweet Baby Jesus, that was the worst part, because when I sat down, the lights stopped blinding me and I could see the people.

All the people.

I nearly jumped straight back up.

“It turned out that Bob loved vaginas. He was a connoisseur. He loved the way they felt, the way they tasted, the way they smelled, but most importantly, he loved the way they looked….”

What in the name of Professor Xavier made me think I could do this!?

I could barely remember my STUDENT NUMBER don’t mind PAGES of uninterrupted monologue!!!

I stammered and rushed my way clumsily through the words and realised I was coming up to the part that made me blush when I was saying it on my own…

“In the light I watched him looking at me and he was so genuinely excited, so peaceful and euphoric, I began to get wet and turned on. I began to see myself the way he saw me. I began to feel beautiful and delicious like a great painting, or a waterfall…”

Oh God, I think I’m going to hurl.

But I didn’t.

I even remembered the words.

People clapped politely.

I ran off stage.

I never uttered those words again.

But part does feel very proud and liberated knowing that I talked about my (well somebody elses) vagina in public….

Never again though.

**If anyone is curious as to JUST what I went through, you can view a version of the monologue I did HERE….not MY version, but A version…I don’t have a copy of mine and even if I DID, I will only embarrass myself SO MUCH for you guys, so you’d never see it ….
😀

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28 Comments

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28 responses to “Let me tell you the time I…told a room full of people about my vagina

  1. I think it´s cool! 😀

    • Lol, thanks Larissa……when I was writing this last night, all I could think was” Oh God I can’t believe I did that and I would definitely NOT do it now if I was asked!!” …two years after the event I’m an old shy prude, lol! 😀

  2. VAGINA SALUTE! Sitting down you could see eeeeeveryyyyone. Mostly I remember Joey’s laugh though.

    And “Lyndsay, what’s my student number? WHY DON’T YOU KNOW THIS?!?” *kershmack*

    • I knew it myself by about halfway through Final Year….I was SO proud!! And you SHOULD have known it!!! I asked you so many times that as my friend, you should have learned it FOR me! 😛

  3. my friend Natalia has this phrase that she uses for her dearest gal pals…now from me to you;

    I LOVE YOUR VAGINA!

  4. Go you…I could NEVER lol. My face would be as red as a lobster.

  5. BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That’s amazing! I would never go onstage but to go onstage and do that?

    Balls of steel youngling you have. Balls of steel

    What’s the craic with Galway then? You going? Apparently there is going to be a meet up on Friday night

    • Alas, it appears I’m dateless. Fate is conspiring against me and has ensured that everyone I know (I am not exaggerating at all here) is busy that weekend. *sigh*

      You’re just gonna have to accept that award for me, WR…..don’t forget to say that you’re accepting it on behalf of Miss HerNia, as I have been dubbed by a fellow Personal Category blogger….I am SO over it though and not at all offended or sobbing from sheer hurt! *dabs eyes*

  6. I FREAKING LOVE THIS.

  7. That’s hilarious! But well done for doing it! I would never be able to!
    My little sister was in The Vagina Monologues when she was about 10! She had to talk about periods and other embarrassing things even though she had never had one! It was quite funny. xx

  8. Dateless you say? Well although the concept is probably a bit daunting you are more than welcome to join us if you like! Myself, Eek, Eli and Finn are heading down on Thursday night for shits and giggles and since they are the loveliest people known to man they would love to have you along. You may even get a Cobra name!

    If you like I really can accept the award for you AND I’ll actually give it to you as well! 😛 That just means we’ll have to meet up on Sunday at Leon and have pastries/our own mini award ceremony!

    I can’t say Miss Hernia has the same ring to it…

    • Oooooooooo that sounds like a possibility….although I can’t get off work those days, so I’ll have to come down on the Saturday.

      I’m so nervous about our first meeting though….I’m not funny or interesting in real life….in fact I pay waistcoat-wearing monkies to write my blogs for me….so can I risk being a giant loner during that all important encounter?

      That Cobra proposition is so tempting though…..

      I’ll let you know in a few days!

      Where are you guys staying?

  9. ack! you brave soul! i could never do this!

    and do me a favor and send bob my way. i could stand to have someone worship me and my parts. we have both been missing that for quite some time. 🙂

  10. Eve

    You’re so much braver than me! I would never have the guts to do that in a million years!

  11. Sure if you come down on the Saturday then you can meet Boyfriend and Gaff etc as well! I’m the dull one I assure you. As far as I’m aware we’re staying in a mate’s house but I will let you know!

    Don’t be put off if you come on your own because honest to God, they are all the loveliest of people, especially Eek so you would be welcome to hang out with us at any time! In fact I’m fairly sure if I even mentioned you they would insist. Actually I’m positive they would insist!

    Don’t be nervous! I’m not expecting backflips and somersaults so don’t be worrying. If it makes you feel better I’m actually incredibly inarticulate in person so it will probably be me who makes a fool of themselves!

  12. Dear Lord you were brave! Very, very brave (and also slightly mental) Who were the guests? Have you ever seen any of them since?

    • Oh they weren’t guests…..they were people who paid to see the production in one of our national theatres. But some of the audience were people we knew, and yeah I’ve seen them all since….everyone was really supportive and encouraging!

  13. I suppose if you think about it – taking to the stage just to chat about your own vagina, without a script, would have been much much worse. That kind of carry on should be kept between you and your doctor…

  14. Suz

    VAGINA SALUTE! One of my fave memories from final year!! 🙂

  15. well, i guess you learn more about those moments than what youi think, i mean, i wish i have done such a thing! it’s so funny to think about it (though i understand it was scarying in the moment)
    PL ♥

  16. Jo

    Heh, nice post. I’m sad you think this would be offputting to people. I’m sad vaginas are still considered scary.

    I heard of someone who taught sex education, and the first thing she did was line all the boys up opposite all the girls and get them to should penis/vagina at eachother til they weren’t bothered by the words anymore. I love that.

    More vagina monologues, I say.

  17. Pingback: Let me tell you about the time I….fell on stage | A Chick Named Hermia

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