Foreword: So this is the first Secret Stories post. I want to say thank you to our first contributor for being brave enough to talk about her experiences and hopefully more of you will be inspired to share your stories with us.
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Well Squeeze and I were happy but I was young and I had cheated on my previous boyfriends being stupid and immature like I was. Anyway it all started when we were going out a few months and he went away on holidays with the boys, firstly because of my insecurities and then just my past nature. This cute guy (guy#1) who my friends knew started chatting me up we ended up back at a house party with my friends and he dropped me home later that night and then we kissed nothing more.
I felt terrible at first but knew no one would find out which tempted me to meet this guy two more times just leading to kisses.
A few weeks later I was at a birthday party away with my friends when we got invited back to a hotel party after with the DJ’s. Of course me and my friend accepted cause we are always up for a party and at the very end of the night I kissed one of the guys(guy#2).
I was then with a friend’s brother (guy#3) I met one night in the club and we slept together. I moved on quick from this as no one knew bar one of my housemates who cheated on her boyfriend reguraly so I didn’t se eit as a problem.
A month or so later I was at a house party at a friend’s house when a friend of mine started chatting me up. I knew it wasn’t right as he was my boyfriend’s friend but he had always made it obvious he wanted to be with me. We ended up having sex (guy#4) which made me feel terrible butagain I moved on.
Then another one of my boyfriends friends tried it on with me another night a few months on after a night of a litre of vodka. We kissed (guy#5) and he was the worst I felt because this was my boyfriends best friend: if he found out about this it would kill him.
I decided to break up with my boyfriend as my guilt was getting to me so I just kept picking fights with him. I went away for the weekend and he kissed another girl which finalised our break up.
I moved on and started kissing other guys when rumors started coming up about guy#4 and my ex questioned me. I denied everything as I knew there was no proof but began worrying about guy#5 spilling the beans. I was really missing my ex and was beginning to realise that I really did love him and wanted to be with him.
We started kissing again but he kept saying we wouldn’t get back together cause he didn’t fully trust me (with good reason). I knew in my heart I couldn’t get back with him knowing all the secrets I had but I knew I wanted nothing more but him. Finally my head won over my heart and i told him i couldnt kiss him any more. I then moved on and kissed another guy which broke Squeeze’s heart as he then told me he thought we were getting back together (which I thought he had always made clear we were not).
I was mad but I knew it was for the best. I kept kissing this new guy for a while (we’ll call him Bob)! I started getting panic attacks and really stressed over the whole thing with Squeeze and I decided to tell him about me cheating on him.
I told him about guy#1 and guy#4 as I decided the others were not worth mentioning as no one knew of them. I could never tell him of guy#5 as he would never forgive me, never mind this friend of his causing un-necessary trouble.
Squeeze hated me for a while but I could tell he was more hurt than angry. He told me if I had told him bout cheating on him he probaly would have forgiven me but now he wanted nothing to do with me as I was a liar.
The hurt i saw Squeeze feel has really affected me and I vowed never to cheat again. Its going good with Bob with only one near slip up with a friend from back home, but I controled myself. I’m trying with him to change my ways and it seams to be going ok but I am still only at the beginning of the relationship.
Its tough because I know Squeeze is the only guy i want to be with and spend my life with. He barely wants to talk to me but did email me recently to tell me how he was sad so much had changed but he didnt forgive me.
I’m trying my best with Bob but I know he’s not Mr Right for me: he’s just kinda doing for the minute. I’m worried that I may never love again like i did with Squeeze or ever find a guy like him. I’m worried I will never be with him again and if I am, how will I live with myself about guy#5 and will he ever find out about him?
I’ve gotten so stressed about it and being in my final year of college doesnt help either. I’m young but I’m worried Squeeze will find someone else better than me. I’m so mad at how badly I treated him and I wish we worked.
Only my best friend knows about all this and she has a bad attitude towards men so she doesnt think I was wrong with what I did. It feels good to tell some one and maybe see some responses on this subject. Sorry about the long message and thanks for listening.