Secret Story No.1 -Squeeze and I

Foreword: So this is the first Secret Stories post. I want to say thank you to our first contributor for being brave enough to talk about her experiences and hopefully more of you will be inspired to share your stories with us.
For more information on submitting a piece to Secret Stories, click HERE

Well my secret story begins over a year ago when i first started going out with this guy: we shall call him Squeeze.

Well Squeeze and I were happy but I was young and I had cheated on my previous boyfriends being stupid and immature like I was. Anyway it all started when we were going out a few months and he went away on holidays with the boys, firstly because of my insecurities and then just my past nature. This cute guy (guy#1) who my friends knew started chatting me up we ended up back at a house party with my friends and he dropped me home later that night and then we kissed nothing more.

I felt terrible at first but knew no one would find out which tempted me to meet this guy two more times just leading to kisses.

A few weeks later I was at a birthday party away with my friends when we got invited back to a hotel party after with the DJ’s. Of course me and my friend accepted cause we are always up for a party and at the very end of the night I kissed one of the guys(guy#2).

Again feeling somewhat guiltly I moved on from it.

I was then with a friend’s brother (guy#3) I met one night in the club and we slept together. I moved on quick from this as no one knew bar one of my housemates who cheated on her boyfriend reguraly so I didn’t se eit as a problem.

A month or so later I was at a house party at a friend’s house when a friend of mine started chatting me up. I knew it wasn’t right as he was my boyfriend’s friend but he had always made it obvious he wanted to be with me. We ended up having sex (guy#4) which made me feel terrible butagain I moved on.

Then another one of my boyfriends friends tried it on with me another night a few months on after a night of a litre of vodka. We kissed (guy#5) and he was the worst I felt  because this was my boyfriends best friend: if he found out about this it would kill him.

I decided to break up with my boyfriend as my guilt was getting to me so I just kept picking fights with him. I went away for the weekend and he kissed another girl which finalised our break up.

I moved on and started kissing other guys when rumors started coming up about guy#4 and my ex questioned me. I denied everything as I knew there was no proof but began worrying about guy#5 spilling the beans. I was really missing my ex and was beginning to realise that I really did love him and wanted to be with him.

We started kissing again but he kept saying we wouldn’t get back together cause he didn’t fully trust me (with good reason). I knew in my heart I couldn’t get back with him knowing all the secrets I had but I knew I wanted nothing more but him. Finally my head won over my heart and i told him i couldnt kiss him any more. I then moved on and kissed another guy which broke Squeeze’s heart as he then told me he thought we were getting back together (which I thought he had always made clear we were not).

I was mad but I knew it was for the best. I kept kissing this new guy for a while (we’ll call him Bob)! I started getting panic attacks and really stressed over the whole thing with Squeeze and I decided to tell him about me cheating on him.

I told him about guy#1 and guy#4 as I decided the others were not worth mentioning as no one knew of them.  I could never tell him of guy#5 as he would never forgive me, never mind this friend of his causing un-necessary trouble.

Squeeze hated me for a while but I could tell he was more hurt than angry. He told me if I had told him bout cheating on him he probaly would have forgiven me but now he wanted nothing to do with me as I was a liar.

I started going out with Bob and am still in a relationship with him.

The hurt i saw Squeeze feel has really affected me and I vowed never to cheat again. Its going good with Bob with only one near slip up with a friend from back home, but I controled myself. I’m trying with him to change my ways and it seams to be going ok but I am still only at the beginning of the relationship.

Its tough because I know Squeeze is the only guy i want to be with and spend my life with. He barely wants to talk to me but did email me recently to tell me how he was sad so much had changed but he didnt forgive me.

I’m trying my best with Bob but I know he’s not Mr Right for me: he’s just kinda doing for the minute. I’m worried that I may never love again like i did with Squeeze or ever find a guy like him. I’m worried I will never be with him again and if I am, how will I live with myself about guy#5 and will he ever find out about him?

I’ve gotten so stressed about it and being in my final year of college doesnt help either. I’m young but I’m worried Squeeze will find someone else better than me. I’m so mad at how badly I treated him and I wish we worked.

Only my best friend knows about all this and she has a bad attitude towards men so she doesnt think I was wrong with what I did. It feels good to tell some one and maybe see some responses on this subject. Sorry about the long message and thanks for listening.

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “Secret Story No.1 -Squeeze and I

  1. emilycross

    It was very brave of you to post your story! Thank you!

    I hope that this response is ok, as I’m not entirely sure what response you’re looking for?

    So apologies in advance. Here I go . . .

    It’s good that you were honest with squeeze and that you eventually owned up to what happened. His reaction is understandable. Sometimes Love is not enough, you need respect and trust as well.
    Perhaps in time, Squeeze might be able to forgive you and trust you again.

    But you have to remember, you will love again. It might be with Squeeze or somebody else, but I’ve no doubt that you will. Never think that it’s ‘the end’ when it comes to love. We, as human beings, are continuously growing and changing, and in accordance with this, who we fall in love with changes too. How we stay in love with the one person is down to whether this person grows with us in a mutual fashion (i.e. you grow with them too) or if you both grow in different directions. So, what I’m saying is that down the road, you will neet someone who suits you at that point in your life and will hopefully continue to grow with you for the rest of it (if that’s what you wish)

    Sometimes after a traumatic break up, you need a buffer (aka Bob)/single time between relationships (sorry if the buffer thing is a bit mean) to allow yourself to think about what is happening and why it happened. It’s great to hear that things are going well with Bob, but perhaps being single for a while might be a good idea for you, so that you can think about what happened with out a new person in the mix?

    I’m asking questions here that might be a good idea to think about. When people act a certain way, there is usually a reason – concious or not that explains their behaviour. I think that it’s important to think back to those times before and think about what you were feeling, what were the antecedents (situations/actions/feelings) that happened before the behaviour and see if there is a trigger that you might be able to address in the future. These are ones that just popped into my head, so apologies if they seem leading – they are meant to be examples.

    Some questions might be:

    Do you have any idea as to why you cheat?
    Do you have insecurities/low self-confidence/esteem that may have been a factor in your behaviour?
    Apart from the guilt afterwards, how did being with someone else feel like?
    Did it make you feel confident, sexy etc. because at the time you felt insecure and need validation?
    Just before you started flirting etc. how did you feel?
    Were you really happy with Squeeze? or was there something missing or happening there that made you act this way?
    Have you ever cheated before in other relationships?

    I hope this response was ok, like I said I’m not sure if you just wanted a supportive ‘hugs’ post or a ‘help’ post or whatever. Please take what you want from the post, I just hope it’s some help, if you were looking for help 🙂

  2. This was so sad to read 😦

  3. Red

    I understand the guilt. I cheated on my boyfriend, not 5 times but 1, I dont think the amount of times matters, the guilt eats at you and its fucking horrible. I think you did the right thing considering the circumstances. I’m sure at some point Squeeze will be happier you told him yourself rather than hearing it from another person. Being with Bob can just be a good time, relax and just have fun, sometimes its better to be with someone who you can have a good time with and not get all tied up in emotions.
    You’ll realise at some point that you have done the right thing. Eventually any guilt remaining will ease and you’ll feel better about yourself.
    I hope this helped in some way xxx

  4. What a story… i guess things happen for a reason? And it teaches about relationships and cheating and stuff. Thanks for sharing!

  5. Hey guys….the author of this piece sent this to me…..

    Hi im the author of squeeze and i. i just wanted to see is any one had had the same experiences as me. i dont know why i cheat and i really want to change it and i am a very insecure person so maybe thats why i cheat but yet i still dont understand why i seam to like the attention but i dont want to be that sort of person. i am actually very happy with the honest response its what i want to hear because i really want to change my ways. thanks again

    • emilycross

      It’s great that you want to change and that you’re being so honest about it all.

      This is my advice (whether it’s worth anything, I don’t know – I don’t want to be all preachy or lectury because I’m not a relationship expert or anything, this is all just my thoughts but I hope it helps) Please take what you want from it.

      I think that you need to start looking at ‘you’. Cheating is like a symptom of something bigger. You mention that you feel insecure, I think you need to examine that aspect more closely. What is it about yourself that makes you feel insecure? When you stand in front of a mirror (naked) do you see yourself as an attractive person? Or do you only feel confident and attractive when you have male attention (or do you always need to be constantly complimented by friends to feel confident too)? Do you need to be validated by someone else to feel special?

      Are you attracted to these guys? Or do you react to them because they find you attractive?

      “he had always made it obvious he wanted to be with me.”

      If some of this rings true, you need to realise that you’re a wonderful person, that you shouldn’t need outside validation – only you are qualified to validate yourself – and at the moment it sounds like this validation is negative.

      No one is perfect or normal, we are all flawed – it’s what makes us human. Therefore no one has the right to judge you or validate you. We all live in glass houses.

      How do you become less insecure or more confident?

      I don’t think there is a definite answer to this (if i knew it i’d be rich lol).
      Some ideas might be:
      It might be worth doing something which you might never have thought of doing before that you might be able to achieve e.g. drama, climbing etc. that might give you a sense of achievement

      or perhaps you need to be conscious of the negative voice in your head and start thinking affirmatively about yourself.

      Perhaps a good start would be to take the time and write down ten (or more) positive things about yourself (i know corny – but seriously you’ll be surprised). We often focus on the negative aspects of ourselves e.g. fat, thin, unattractive, too noisy, stupid etc. but maybe by focusing on the positive aspects it will have positive affect for you.

      e.g. you’re honest (which is a great quality to have), you’re caring (because you want to change to be a better person). See, I don’t know you and I already came up with two. It’s harder to think of positive qualities – if I asked you to list ten negative qualities, you would do it in a heartbeat. It takes longer to think of our positive qualities but give it ago, I think you’ll be surprised.

      Being self-aware and wanting to change are huge, so again well done – If you know why you cheat, then you can stop it (with hard work) it’s like re-training youself to think more positively about yourself and then everything else follows. . .

      What you need to do is explore your life a bit more. Think of your past, present and future. In regards to the past, think about if there are events in your life which might have caused you to feel so insecure? Things like being bullied, bad relationship with a parent (sorry if this is overly personal and steps across the line but perhaps something to do with a male role model/father in your life) etc.

      In regards to the present, think about the emotions/feelings that surround the cheating (apart from the guilt), simple things like keeping a diary can allow you to examine your actions and to ‘talk’ to ‘someone’ non-judgemental.

      In regards to the future, (this will sound mental but it works) before you fall asleep, imagine yourself happy – in your case, in a loving relationship with someone, imagine how you feel and how comfortable you are etc. then imagine your SO has gone away or isn’t around. You get hit on at a party. Imagine you feel so confident and happy with yourself, that you can take the compliment that he’s attractive to you, but you realise you are not attracted to him. And imagine yourself walking away, confident and happy.

      Like I said – your training the mind and thoughts.

      I hope this bunch of pop-psych helps, apologies for the long post or if I’m over stepping the boundaries.

  6. Catherine, you just created here something better than Dear Abby or whatever it’s called. You rock.

    To the writer, I applaud you for wanting to change your ways. You can do it, girl.

  7. Pingback: Fantabulous Foto Fridays « A Chick Named Hermia

  8. omg…that’s deep. And brave. And….

    I only have one thing to say. It will work out eventually…it’s just the karma for now!

  9. Oh my fucking god.

    People who go on and on about wanting to change wreak my head.

    It’s your own mind, if you want to change, grow a pair of balls and do it.

    I can’t, I don’t know why…..Wah wah wah.

    I’m sure this is not what you want to hear but I am guessing your ex didn’t want to be cheated on 5 times.

    Life’s a bitch eh?

  10. Well, it’s brave to share that story. If anything, I hope you remember the pain Squeeze went through before you consider cheating again. Also, honesty is the best policy. I learned the hard way that it’s always better to be honest than to keep things hidden and secret – it only hurts others more when the secrets come out and it’s killer on you keeping the secrets. Best of luck!

  11. It’s great that you want to change,and that you have recognised that you have a problem. I know you say you love him (squeeze), but from my point of view, you have to ask yourself do you truly love him so much more than bob when you felt so insecure with squeeze that you cheated on him 5 times when you only cheated on bob once?
    It may seem rude but this is supposed to be a somewhat honest thing right?

    Hermia, when you first came up with this idea i was unsure on how it would affect the blog but I must say that so far I have totally loved the ‘Secret Stories’!

    ~LittleOwl

  12. kelly

    honestly, he deserves a girl who wouldn’t be able to bear the even the thought of cheating on him. if he has any sense he’ll get away from you asap. you don’t cheat on a person you love. it sounds to me like you don’t know what love if because you couldn’t physically do this to him if you did.

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