Secret Story No.3: This is about a guy named John…

…well at least we’ll pretend that’s his name.

We met almost 3 years ago, right before he went to do his PhD in Norway. During the first year we were communicating through emails and Facebook. He was very intelligent and really interesting to talk to but it never crossed my mind that it might turn into something.

When he came back after his first year for the summer I was in a relationship with another guy. We started hanging out, it was strictly friendly, or at least on my behalf. Until we went for drinks one night and hooked up.

That really changed everything for me.

We started dating, it was great and I was falling for him really fast. He’s not like anyone I’ve dated before, I was always more into ‘bad boys’ and he was nothing like that, he’s really smart, sweet and shy and a very positive person in general. He was really excited about our relationship, he introduced me to all of his friends (even though it was obvious enough they already knew everything about me) and even to his parents!

I broke up with that other guy of course, but then it was September and it was time for him to leave again.

He invited me to come and visit him in Norway. So I went. When I was there it turned into a disaster. On the first day we had sex for the first time. It was all good but, well it didn’t go quite as he had planned i guess (i’m not gonna go into details here but i hope you’ll get what I mean). He was devastated, he really thought it was an epic fail of some sort for him, and I didn’t even know how to react, I mean I should have explained to him that it’s normal and just takes a little time, but I didn’t do that (I was an idiot).

For the rest of the week I was stuck there and it was horrible, he could barely look at me, I was mostly spending time with a friend of mine who also studies there. I honestly thought it was over right then. I returned home, and we didn’t talk for about 4 months.

Then I found out he’s been seeing someone.

But then he started texting me, in a friendly manner again and we began talking like before. When he was here last summer for a month we hung out almost every day, not like before, we never even kissed or anything, but we’re definitely not friends, and the way he looks at me with his puppy eyes is definitely not friendly, but he never made any move, and neither did I.

It was still kinda awkward after what happened but still he would call me every day and ask me out. He never mentioned his new girlfriend; when I asked if he was seeing anyone he said no, even though I knew he was but I never told him what I knew. I’m not gonna tell you the whole story about how I know about her, but she lives in my city and by some odd coincidence we happen to have a friend in common. I’m not sure of what their relationship in reality is like, but she definitely thinks he’s her boyfriend, and she has no idea about me.

He left again, but we were still talking. He invited me several times to come visit him again but I never went. He also keeps trying to talk me into doing my Masters in Norway next year at the same university.

I have been dating other people during this period, but it was never anything serious. Last month he was here again and we met for dinner. It was the same story: we talked and laughed but nothing more, only this time he invited me to go with him for a week to Madrid since he’s going there this summer for a conference. And I still know he’s seeing that other girl!

This is really confusing, on one hand I really have feelings for him and really wish we could work things out and I feel like this has been going on forever. I know I have to make a move first to change something but then I know about this other girl and it’s driving me crazy to even think that it might be true. I can’t imagine why, if he was really in a relationship with someone, he would ever want to hide it from me and spend so much time with me, especially since we already screwed everything up in the beginning.

I know this is really messed up and twisted and I hate that I have to spend time worrying about my relationships rather than enjoying them. I probably just need to put it on paper and get somebody’s opinion since none of my friends know the full story. So thank you if you’ve read this.

Find out how to submit your own Secret Story HERE

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Secret Story No.3: This is about a guy named John…

  1. No offense, but he sounds like a first class jerk. (Kinda).
    Yeah his ego got hurt, and you didn’t really do anything to help that but theres no need to act the way you said he did, you guys could have gotten over it, worked it out and moved on.’
    And if he’s giving obvious signals to you when you absolutely KNOW for certain that he’s lying about not being with another girl, then it is just really, really low. I suggest that even though you still like him and he asks for you guys to get back together then confront him straight out or say no, well that’s waht I would do.
    I suggest you don’t change your dreams of university just beacause of him when if it ever does happen it might not work out again. But if you choose to go for it, then do, it is all your choice.
    ~LittleOwl

    • That is true…it’s mainly an ego issue on his part and Ok he didn’t want to put his ego to one side and try and work through it, fair enough. But it’s this stringing-along business that’s so unfair…he’s made his bed, so to speak, so he either has to let her go or be a man and say he wants her back and that they should try.

  2. I agree with LittleOwl. He reminds me of a couple of guys I know… And the old ‘I’ll make you feel guilty about not massaging my ego enough’ is one I have seen women cry themselves over for far too long. Its his chick I feel sorry for…. Dont be his next fool!

  3. Kar

    Well done for telling your story. I’m sorry to say though that it sounds like he’s messing you around. Just because things didn’t go according to plan is no reason for him to have gotten all moody, he should have acted like an adult and talked about it with you. And its really not cool to show so much interest in you when he has a girlfriend. The fact that he hasn’t told you about her at all suggests that he’s hoping you might still be interested – this is not fair on the girl, and shows that he’s a jerk. Find yourself someone who deserves you.

    • You wondered how he’d treat the writer if he did get back together with her….would he lead another girl on behind her back because he didn’t have to courage to properly commit? Would he just desert her again if they hit another rough patch??

  4. ohhh that’s a fickle situation.
    and im TERRIBLE with relationships, so i can’t be much help.
    but in my opinion, he’s not worth the time.

  5. Well done for sharing your story.

    You are in a predicament! What I’m wondering is, how strong really was your relationship if you fell out over sex. Sure, the first time may not have been ideal, but you should have been able to work through it. Have you ever talked about that, or did you pretend it never happened?
    You say you still have feelings for him, which is normal. Just make sure those feeling are genuine, and not just because he has someone else on the scene (you know how girls can be!)
    I think the only thing to do is be up front with him, tell him you know about his ‘secret’ girlfriend and see how he responds. His reaction and explanation should really help you decide what to do. It’s easy for people to say he’s a jerk, not worth it, etc, but if you like him you should at least hear him out before you make a decision.

    Hope that helped, even a little bit!

  6. Well, at least he’s getting some!
    Nice visuals you’ve got here on this blog!

  7. is it stupid of me that I think you SHOULD make a move? and just get it over with? whether this would work out or not, I don’t know but at least if you make that first move, you’d know!

  8. kelly

    what happened the first time? he couldnt perform? if theres such a big deal being made over that then obviously there’s no maturity in this relationship. if you liked each other enough you’d laugh about it and go at it again! just my opinion x

  9. beentheretoo

    here’s the thing, i know the kind of guy u talking abt (shy and all) I think he wants to try and work it out but is too shy to and scared because he doesnt want to rock the boat. I suggest you confront him about the other girl and get the conversaton all stirred up annd heated until he tells you how he feels. force him to tell you and you’ll realise it was work it after all.

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