Secret Story No.5

This is the next installment in our anonymous Secret Stories series.
Just a note to anyone who has submitted a piece, I have a backlog right now, and because I’m only featuring two a week, it may take a few weeks for some of your pieces to be featured, so don’t think I’m not using them or have forgotten about them!
To submit your own Secret Story, click HERE

sometimes, i wake up and all i want to do is disappear and forget everything, forever.

3 years ago, when i was 12, my best friend tried to kill herself, and i guess this is probably what haunts me most, because i’ve not told anybody, not even my parents. only her family and i knew, and i guess i found it really terribly hard to cope because what did i know? i was so young and so scared.

i stopped eating, and sleeping, and everything hurt.
i wish i could say that i’m better now, but always at night, at my most vulnerable state, i ache i ache i ache and i don’t know how much longer i can do this for.

i don’t eat very much, anymore.
i’m 39kgs, my BMI is about 14 and it disgusts me so much.
i’m trying to be strong, please believe that i’m trying. sometimes, it’s just harder to be happy, and i feel like giving up.
and now i feel like one of those complaining teenagers. sorry. i’m trying, really, really hard, but i can’t help but to not want to be, anymore. sometimes my secrets get the better of me.

sorry.
thank you for listening.

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11 Comments

Filed under Secret Stories

11 responses to “Secret Story No.5

  1. Eating disorders are so prevalent in the world, I think everyone would be shocked by how high the true number might be.

    Don’t stop trying, I hope you get better.

  2. Maybe you should tell someone about her or talk to her about it. It seems like it’s eating you up inside because you have everything so bottled up so it’s indirectly hurting you inside still. Even tho you want to be over it, I don’t think you are…maybe if you open that door it’ll help. Best wishes…I agree with notRuairi…Don’t stop trying. Keep trying sweetie.

  3. emilycross

    I think you should tell your family or someone you trust. It seems that you’ve been given a terrible burden to bear that you never asked for, and it’s affecting you now.

    Almost losing your friend in those circumstances is so traumatic, because you have no control over their thoughts and actions and you constantly in fear when the phone rings in the middle of the night etc.

    Don’t underestimate how traumatic that event was for you, my advice is reach out to someone like your parents or a counsellor and let it all out!

    Definitely don’t stop trying – reach out to someone, even if its an anonymous helpline.

    *hugs*

  4. Aw, dear, you don’t have to apologize for venting on your own blog! That’s rather what blogs are for, well, maybe not all the time, but they definitely do allow for that. First off, know that you can overcome! The ability to triumph is in us all, even if it’s not always visible. And as others have said, I do think perhaps you should talk about it with one or a few trusted others in your life. Perhaps, you don’t even know it, maybe it’s there subconsciously, and sorry if I’m going out on a limb here, but it seems perhaps you somewhat blame yourself, and carry guilt still, about what happened with your friend? And almost feel the need to punish yourself for it?

    I’ve had a loved one attempt what your friend did, and I think everyone around anyone who does, feels that maybe they could have stopped it (even if they didn’t succeed, even if it ended as only an attempt, still), that they should have been there, seen the signs, been a better friend, family member, etc… But there’s no turning back time, and mostly there is no one soul to blame, it’s just the way the tide turns.

    Anyway, I hope things get better for you, dear, I really do! ♥

    xoxo,
    S-C

    • Oh it’s not my piece Susanna…..I have a new project running on this blog called Secret Stories where people can anonymously submit their own ‘Secret Story’, so this is a post by one of my readers.

  5. I definitely think you need to talk to someone. Carrying that burden is horrendous and you might be thinking that you can deal with it yourself but a problem shared is a problem solved.

    Also you’re only 15 ya? Life gets so much better! Like when you finish school and go to college or out to work it just really does get so much better. Being a teenager sucks so much sometimes as you’re trying to figure yourself and the world out but keep on trying and you’ll see the light at the end of this dark dark tunnel. When I was 16 my best friend was extremely sick with an eating disorder and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I shut myself away from the problem hoping that it would just go away but it didn’t and I eventually ended up talking to someone about it and it really helped and things started to get better.

    I hope I didn’t come across as patronising but really don’t stop trying. And give yourself credit for writing this. It’s a step in letting people help you. xx

    • It really is so sad that she feels like this at such a young age, but as you say, she still has so much to experience that starting something new like college will hopefully have a positive effect on her!

  6. I was 16 when one my good friends committed suicide. It’s hard, hard thing to deal with, especially when you are young. I had to seek out counseling in order to deal with all the pain and hurt and sadness and destructiveness I found myself leaning toward. I think you should do the same – find someone to talk to and, in the mean time, keep trying. Realize that you’re beautiful and that there’s nothing you could have done to stop what your friend attempted.

  7. Marire

    hang in there. and thank you for sharing your story.

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