This is the next installment in our anonymous Secret Stories series.
Just a note to anyone who has submitted a piece, I have a backlog right now, and because I’m only featuring two a week, it may take a few weeks for some of your pieces to be featured, so don’t think I’m not using them or have forgotten about them!
To submit your own Secret Story, click HERE
Ok. The person this is to (my best friend) only knows a small part of what I’m about to confess…
So sometime around autumn last year, I went out with my best friend ‘L’, her boyfriend ‘T’ and her other best friend ‘P’. We went to see a film and generally frolicked about. It was fun and I enjoyed myself as I usually do. However, when I got home, ten minutes into a conversation on MSN with L, she then said something that I will never forget:
‘I’m uncomfortable with the way you touch T’
I sat there frozen in shock, unblinking, unable to believe what my eyes were telling me. I frantically thought back to how I touched him, and the most I could recall was pinching him hard when he tried to joke slap me in the cinema.
A long time after this incident, L informed me that I had stroked him arm at one point, but what she forgot was that I joke punched him straight after.
Anyway, I a few minutes later of sitting absolutely still, I blinked and tried to take a deep breath, only to be choked by a rising sob from inside my chest. My fingers shook as I typed out a response. I was so confused.
What was she accusing me of?
I knew what she was trying to say. Unspoken words: she didn’t trust me.
It hurt so, much.
I grinned absurdly as tears ran down my face, my heart hurting, and carried on with my conversation with L.
‘Glad that’s all sorted (:’ she said.
The huge, teeth-showing grin upon my face was quite fake. I just sat there, silently crying with that grin on my face.
And for the next few months, I carried on grinning (metaphorically).
But I was pretending. The love I had for her as my best friend was slowly diminishing. Any little stupid thing she’d say, any slow moment, anything I found annoying about her helped let my anger at her grow. Then sometime around February it had got seriously bad.
I was in a very low mood for about a month. Looking back now, I honestly think that I was depressed. I had been having problems breathing; no matter how deep the breath I took, I still found myself short of air. I went around almost panting for quite some time. There was also my hatred of people in general. I despised being around anyone, especially L. At lunchtimes I would sit quietly in a corner reading and listening to music. This didn’t go unnoticed, as usually I’m jumping around, singing, shouting, laughing and getting into trouble with the rest of my friends. I was also constantly tired. I could go to bed at 7pm and wake up at 6.30am and it would be like I had only had an hours sleep. I could go to bed at 12pm and wake up at 6.20am and it would be like I had only had an hours sleep. It made no difference what time I went to bed or got up at. I was always deathly tired. I was constantly falling asleep in lessons, which did not help at all. Part of this tiredness had to do with my waking up constantly during the night and my inability to go back to sleep once it had happened.
At that horrible part of my life, I used to think how lovely it would be to fall asleep and just never wake up…
Thankfully after about 6 weeks all of that stopped.
I recently tried telling my mum about it but she just laughed and mocked me. I couldn’t tell her WHY I had fallen into that…depression, as she doesn’t like L and T much anyway. But I don’t care to be honest. It’s over and I’m thankful for that.
T is like my brother. We tease each other, we have deep, late night conversations with each other, we give each other advice, we cuss each other, we punch/pinch/slap each other. Our relationship is akin to one of a sibling relationship. It’s honestly like he’s my older brother and he’s often said that he see’s me as his little sister.
A few deep, late night conversations ago, I confessed a lot of this to him and he listened. It felt so good to tell someone. He confessed to me about how much he truly loved L, and how he didn’t ever think their relationship would work, how he didn’t know what he’d do if they were to ever split. But his main thing was that he didn’t think L knew how much he loves her. I tried to comfort him, but silently agreed. She didn’t. She still doesn’t despite him trying to show it on numerous occasions. One of L’s bad traits is that she’s extremely insecure (as you can probably guess now…). The first time he confessed how much he loved her she didn’t believe him and thought he was trying to break up with her. As soon as they went to their own homes, she rang me and asked if it was true that he had told me about this, and if he wasn’t breaking up with her.
It was all true. The previous night he had been on webcam and msn with me and he was pouring his heart out to me and crying.
Yet when I told her, she was still unsure.
I hope one day I will be able to get over what she did (unknowingly) to me or find the courage to tell her what I’ve written out here. I also hope that one day (hopefully soon) she’ll realise how much T loves her and not doubt or question it. I’ve lost a lot of trust in her but despite it all, I still love her like I did before any of this happened.
It feels like such a relief for this to be known. Maybe the readers will understand where I’m coming from? People are constantly saying to me ‘you don’t deserve a friend like L. She’s too good for you’
If only they knew huh?