This is the next installment in our anonymous Secret Stories series.
Ok, Im not used to doing this.. I dont really have the strength for negitive feedback, so I guess Im looking more to vent and have support than advice..
So there’s this guy. I’m going to call him Leo.
I love Leo. And he loved me.
We’ve been the closest of people for almost four years, there’s nobody in the world who knows me like he does, and nobody who matters as much to me.
Now here’s the first weird thing.. Leo and I have never actually met. No, I’m not crazy, and he’s not imaginary, he just lives in New York and I live here in lovely Ireland – we met through MySpace.
Leo changed my life.
I was in a seriously bad relationship 5 years ago, there was a lot of abuse, and I got some nasty mental scars from it, particularly abandonment issues. After it I started down a very bad path, I’d try anything, just to get out of my own head for a bit.
But then I met this guy online, Leo, he was four years older than me, and just so different from my ex it was like night and day. Even though it was just talking online, he made me stop in my tracks, and realise that if I kept on the route I was on, my ex would still be ruining my life, even though he wasn’t there to do it.
So Leo, no exaggeration, saved my life. Unfortunately my family didn’t like me talking to someone that much, and stopped us talking, then after I started collage a year later, I contacted Leo. Unfortunately his life had gotten a lot worse in that year, his guardian had died, and he was back in his parents’ house, where even as a child the abuse had been crippling. When I spoke to him, Leo was litterly starving to death.
I couldn’t think of anyway to help him, all the obvious options like getting a job and welfare were all not possible, he has a physical disability and it would limit him from any non qualified job – but on top of that he also doesn’t have a car or access to public transport, he’s trapped.
As for the welfare idea, well he doesn’t have a birthcert or a bank account, and his family are not exactly the kind of people who would drive him to their office anyway.
I was working my way through college at the time, but I just couldn’t leave Leo like that (now is probably a good time to add that he lives in the states, so I couldn’t take him in either) so I quit smoking and went out less and basically saved like a mad yoke, and sent him some money to get food.
My Irish best friend was sceptical at the time, she was worried he was scamming me and playing on my caring nature, but I was very clear that Leo had never once asked for money or help of any kind, furthermore I was adamant that even if it was a scam, the way he’d helped me in the past and had continued to when I’d suffered a bout of depression so severe id nearly dropped out of college, was worth what money id sent him and more, to me, there are some things money can’t buy, and the way he made me feel was one of them.
Shortly after that Leo got a.. well for want of a better word, girlfriend. I was into Leo like I always had been and although it gutted me that he was with her and not me, I was able to deal with it because more than anything else I wanted him to be happy.
So term ended and I went home to my family, things were still going well for Leo and his girlfriend but because I had no internet at the house Leo and I talked less. Then I went on holidays with my family to America, not near Leo’s state unfortunately but to Florida. And once again I was depressed, I joked with my Irish best friend, leave it to me to be depressed in paradise.
But I let him down. Badly.
I told him that I’d come and see him on my next trip to the States when I was seeing my boyfriend, I booked the flights, and the hotel and was all set to go see him.. Then I got too excited over it, and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to restrain myself around him. I didn’t want to jeopardise what we had by cheating with him, and I wasn’t ready to break up with my boyfriend, so I did the only thing I thought I could do… I cancelled.
He’s blocked me and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a month now.
I did get a text from him on Saturday where he called me a liar and told me to go away.
But the thing about Leo is, he knows we both hate liars, and one thing I’ve never done is lie to him. I told him I couldn’t go and that it didn’t feel right, he didn’t give me the chance to say why, but I didn’t lie to him.
And regardless of how I messed up he knows that as sure as he knows night follows day. I just don’t know if he wants to believe it or not.
I’m so devastated without him. It’s not just sad, it’s physical pain, and no matter what it doesn’t go away.
Have you ever known one of those people who, no matter how they feel, or what their life is like, they go out of their way to do you good?
Leo is like that.
So many times he’s been up with me all night, listening to my problems, talking me through them and encouraging me on.
I know it sounds corny, but when he’s around I really do feel like I could take on whatever life throws at me.
Without him… I don’t just lose him, I lose the better person he makes me.
I should probably add that I help him too, and it’s not a totally one way thing, and that he did care about me hugely until I let him down. But he has this stupid rule about not taking back people who let him down, and he will cut off his nose to spite his face because of it, he’s forgiven me for things before, but he’s never stopped talking to me for this long, and him not being here is killing me, but not as much as the thought of him of him maybe never talking to me again – I can’t handle that.