I posted to you about my friend Leo? After seeing all the lovely comments people left I just thought you might like to know that Leo and I have since started talking again, & are currently in persuit of a disability lawyer to help get him out of his abusive house. I really appreciate all the support from you & your readers & would like to thank you for your great idea of secret stories. It really helped by letting me de-stress & get my thoughts together & hear some outside views.
And now for today’s Secret Story entry…
Okay, so Im still not sure I should be doing this, but since thats the story of my life right now I might as well continue, & hopefully you’ll be able to give me some advice when Im through.
So.. theres this guy. He’s gorgous and funny and sweet, and he’s my boyfriend. I like him being my boyfriend. But he wants us to get married, and no matter how many times I tell him “No, that Im not ready and might never BE ready,” he still keeps asking.
I really like him, when Im around him I have good fun and smile and laugh a lot, and he fits the list I made of my dream guy as a kid to a T, & in a lot of ways I do love him, but Im just not ready for marriage and he doesn’t seem to understand that.
We’re almost at the point where he asks me like every week, and then he gets all upset when my answer doesn’t change, and I get all stressed out because honesty is all I can give and I…I just don’t know what to do. I cant see why he cant just be happy with things the way they are I suppose.
One would think thats surely enough drama, but wait, there’s more… enter my best friend.
We’ve been insanely close for years, he can practically read my mind, which given that he currently lives in New York is REALLY impressive. He wanted to be with me a while ago, but I couldn’t leave my boyfriend for a long list of reason, his ill-health being one: that I do care about him being another. Just I don’t think that leaving one relationship for another is anything but bad news, no matter how much you care. Because someday, the row will come where you’ll wonder “What if” and then someday the fight will arrive where that wonder turns to resentment.
So Im thoroughly stuck, and almost always miserable, because no matter who Im talking with, my boyfriend or my best friend, I feel guilty about the other. Not because Im doing something wrong, but because I feel like I am. I care about them both in completely different ways, and for different reasons, and even though I’ve tried to take action, I still wind up in the same spot. ..Hopelessly in love and hating myself for it.