Secret Story No.11

A foreword from Hermia: Anyone that doubts the benefits of Secret Stories should read this email I just received:

Hi Hermia,
I posted to you about my friend Leo? After seeing all the lovely comments people left I just thought you might like to know that Leo and I have since started talking again, & are currently in persuit of a disability lawyer to help get him out of his abusive house. I really appreciate all the support from you & your readers & would like to thank you for your great idea of secret stories. It really helped by letting me de-stress & get my thoughts together & hear some outside views.

And now for today’s Secret Story entry…

Okay, so Im still not sure I should be doing this, but since thats the story of my life right now I might as well continue, & hopefully you’ll be able to give me some advice when Im through.

So.. theres this guy. He’s gorgous and funny and sweet, and he’s my boyfriend. I like him being my boyfriend. But he wants us to get married, and no matter how many times I tell him “No, that Im not ready and might never BE ready,” he still keeps asking.

He’s even gotten the ring.

I really like him, when Im around him I have good fun and smile and laugh a lot, and he fits the list I made of my dream guy as a kid to a T, & in a lot of ways I do love him, but Im just not ready for marriage and he doesn’t seem to understand that.

We’re almost at the point where he asks me like every week, and then he gets all upset when my answer doesn’t change, and I get all stressed out because honesty is all I can give and I…I just don’t know what to do. I cant see why he cant just be happy with things the way they are I suppose.

One would think thats surely enough drama, but wait, there’s more… enter my best friend.

We’ve been insanely close for years, he can practically read my mind, which given that he currently lives in New York is REALLY impressive. He wanted to be with me a while ago, but I couldn’t leave my boyfriend for a long list of reason, his ill-health being one: that I do care about him being another. Just I don’t think that leaving one relationship for another is anything but bad news, no matter how much you care. Because someday, the row will come where you’ll wonder “What if” and then someday the fight will arrive where that wonder turns to resentment.

So Im thoroughly stuck, and almost always miserable, because no matter who Im talking with, my boyfriend or my best friend, I feel guilty about the other. Not because Im doing something wrong, but because I feel like I am. I care about them both in completely different ways, and for different reasons, and even though I’ve tried to take action, I still wind up in the same spot. ..Hopelessly in love and hating myself for it.



Filed under Secret Stories

10 responses to “Secret Story No.11

  1. I’m glad that the secret stories has really changed someone’s lives! You should be proud Hermia 🙂 x

  2. Good news about the Leo situation!

    I’m not in the right mindset to get all ‘therapist-y’ today (at least my psychotherapy course is coming in handy!) but I think you need some space. If you’re not willing to commit when your boyfriend so obviously is then it’s not fair to keep him stringing along. He really wants to marry you, he wants to settle, buy a family house and have kids (I’d imagine) and if you’re in two minds about whether you should even be in the relationship it’s really unfair to keep him hoping that one day you’ll change.

    Your conscience is trying to tell you that this is a problem that won’t go away. That’s why you feel guilty. You can’t just bury your head in the sand or you face a real possibility that you’ll end up losing your boyfriend (he’ll soon get tired of asking) and your best friend (who will see that nothing is really going to happen between you and him)

    I think you need some space away from them both to clear your head and seriously think about what boy, if any, you want to be with. Otherwise you’re going to lead a really frustrating life.

    I hope you can get the courage to do something about the situation soon.

    • Yeah I think some alone-thinking-time is needed here! When you feel trapped, you can’t think straight and it normally ends with the person ending up in an equally bad situation just to escape the original situation!

  3. I think that you shouldn´t be with both. Sure it´s great to have a boyfriend but you shouldn´t depend on him to be happy.
    In my opinion you like your boyfriend but don´t love him enough …
    You may love him in a friend way but you don´t love him enough to spend your whole life with him….
    So maybe you should reflect over the situation and think about breaking up…
    I hope I didn´t offend you, but the whole secret stories Idea is to hear the truth, even if it´s not what you want to hear 🙂

  4. Hi there,

    I agree with both Laura and Larissa.

    I have a theory myself, and it’s something I live by. If you have to question why you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. And if you have to question whether or not you love someone, you must not TRULY love them. You might kid yourself that you do, but when you really, heart of hearts, love someone, there’s no hiding it, no questions, just love.

    That’s really tough to admit though, and it took me two years to admit it to myself, so I know. But it needs to happen. You’re not only being unfair to yourself and your happiness but you’re being unfair (unintentionally, of course) to the two guys.

    I really hope everything works out, you deserve to have uncontrollable love in your life.


  5. I would probably advise just taking time away from both of them. It definitely does sound like you need some space and the situation looks set to get worse for you more than anyone else.

    The boyfriend should stop asking anyway, it’s not only hurting him but hurting you in the process- marriage is not always the “next step” when you’re in love anyway. People assume it is because of the way films and books romantisise things and, in a way, how society does also. In reality you shouldn’t need to marry someone to somehow prove you love them, thats totally and utterly ridiculous-loads of couples manage to stay together for life in unmarried bliss. So you really don’t ever have to “be ready”. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to take that particular path and sometimes thats the best thing.

    Time out from both relationships seems like the best advice in theory, but in reality it’s obviously going to be difficult because no matter how you deal with it, it probably will cause friction. Maybe you should just have two long conversations with both of them and outline your issues while also saying some positives-so as not to get too “deep”. Hopefully that will make both best friend and boyfriend come to their senses. If not, time apart is probably the answer…
    I hope it all works itself out, whatever you decide to do 🙂 Good luck!


  6. Eve

    I think you have to look at the situation and think what is more important. Don’t think about how they’ll feel, only what you want. Maybe that’ll help you decide. Sometimes the “perfect” person isn’t right. To me it seems that you don’t love him, but merely like him a great deal. Maybe you’re to afraid of what will happen if you leave him even though you’re not super happy as is right now!

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