I hopped into the lift and after doing the math and realising that I’d need two hands to open my umbrella once I got outside, I shoved the last half of my breakfast into my mouth, telling myself that no one ever seemed to get the lift with me in the mornings so no one would see me with food protruding from my mouth.
And then the lift stopped.
And in got one of my African neighbours from downstairs.
One of my male neighbours.
In a far too small bathrobe that he was unsuccessfully trying to pull around his whole self.
And he had nothing on underneath.
And I mean nothing.
So I politely looked in an opposite direction, which happened to be the back of the elevator.
Which is completely covered in a mirror.
And then Practically Naked Guy says “Hello”.
Who says “Hello” to somebody who’s politely ignoring them because of partial nudity in a small space!?
And then I realised I recognised him as the Chatty African Neighbour as opposed to the Unfriendly African Neighbour.
(as you can see, we don’t know any of our neighbours names)
At this point my mouth was too full to speak, so I smiled and looked away again.
“It’s very early, isn’t it?”
Is he REALLY doing this?
Again, I nod and smile and scratch my nose in an attempt to cover my unattractive chewing.
“So…” he says.
Oh dear God, please stop!
“….this is awkward,” he finishes.
Again I nod and smile (and chew).
“Cos I’m in a robe,” he continues.
This isn’t actually happening, is it?
Hurry up lift!
I’d managed to swallow a significant portion of my mouthful, which made it easier to breathe.
“Well, I won’t ask,” I said.
“Ha ha, thanks,” he said. “I appreciate it!”
What the hell is he up to?
Walk of Shame, maybe?
And then the lift finally landed on the ground floor and I was free.
And there was the postman with a package for Practically Naked Guy.
I know, I enjoyed that irony too….