Before you read this, you should probably know that Ella is a cat and not a person….
So I have this friend.
She is one of those people who always seem to have ridiculous stuff happen to them.
She’s also an incredibly dramatic storyteller and can make the most mundane event seem at crisis point.
On Sunday, I saw her for the first time in a couple of months and this was what she nonchalantly managed to slip into a conversation….
Orla: Oh and that was also the day that Ella got a hole in her head, so I was crying….
Me: Wait, what!?
Orla: Oh God I didn’t tell you about that! She had a hole in her head. It was terrible.
Me: How? Is she ok? Oh God, she’s dead!
Orla: Well my family were away and I came in from band practice with Friend A and B (or maybe just A….my memory is fuzzy and this conversation was two days ago) and they were like ‘Look at Ella’ and she had a big scabby cut on her head. So I was panicking and I couldn’t call the Emergency Service cos I had no money and it was nighttime and my mam had left me €100 for an emergency, but I didn’t want to have spent it on the cat.
Me: *rolls eyes* Was she moving around and stuff?
Orla: Yeah she seemed fine and was eating and everything so I was going to bring her to the vet the next day, but then she seemed grand and it was scabbing over, so I forgot about it.
Orla: Yeah I know. So then five days later I came in with Friend A and Friend B and Ella is just there with this giant gooey brown bulge on her head cos there was an abscess and it had burst!
Me: Oh my God she was just lying there dead, wasn’t she?
Orla: *ignores question* So the abscess had burst and I was crying and I rang the Emergency Service and they said she’d be fine until the morning, so then I had to get Friend A to drive me down and the smell of the infection was DISGUSTING! And when we got there the Vet was like, ‘Oh that’s a bad smell’ and then said, “Ok well you can go home and ring up later” and went off with Ella.
Me: They just took your cat?
Orla: Yeah! So I rang the next morning and they were like “Oh it’s worse than we thought”.
Me: Omg, she IS dead!
Orla: She had a hole in her skull and they had to keep her in for a while so they could look after it.
Me: A HOLE in her skull?
Orla: I know.
Me: How did you not notice a HOLE?
Orla: Well there was a scab.
Me: And are you sure it was a cat fight? How could a cat put a hole in her skull?
Orla: Well it was like a scratch in her skull and then the infection ate away the bone.
Orla: So then I had to meet Ex to give him his birthday present cos he was going away the next day and I was a mess and I didn’t have any money to pay the vet bills and I was crying…. *launches into a long discussion about personal issues and boys*
*Five minutes later, I realise we were supposed to be talking about the cat*
Me: ORLA! What about Ella? Is she dead?
Orla: This is all part of it!
Me: No it’s not. Is she dead?
Orla: I’m not telling you. You have to listen to the story.
Me: Omg tell me.
Me: She’s not dead is she?
Orla: Ha! No.
Me: Oh thank God!
Orla: Yeah so she had to stay in for a week and they had to keep cleaning the infection out.
Me: Is she home now?
Orla: Yeah and we have to keep her indoors and she keeps pooing in the bath….