Let me tell you about the time I….farted in front of my Yoga class

[Note to The Boy: This story is pure fiction. As I’ve told you before, girls do not burp, fart or poo. That smell came from The Kittens.]

This is the part where I want to say “Joking! I just knew a startling title would make you read!!”.
But I can’t.
Because I’d be lying.
And lying is wrong.
So says Jesus.
And Santa.

It was about a year ago.
After stopping for a breather while walking up some stairs one day, I had to face the fact that I wasn’t exactly the healthiest of people and unless I wanted a swimming ring to replace my baby muffin top, I’d have to take some action.
I’d done the gym thing before and I’d realised that it was boring and I really hate being sweaty, so that wasn’t an option.

And then someone suggested Yoga to me!

Fantastic!
I’d seen loads of yoga classes on TV and in movies and it looked relaxing (if sometimes unflattering) and very unstressful!
Exercise for lazy ladylike people.

Sign me up!

When I got there, I was greated by the teacher who handed me some forms that waived my right to sue them if my spine snapped in two.
He also informed me that his class was like a family and everyone except me had been doing yoga for a couple of years.
Awesome.
I smiled unenthusiastically, listened to him tell me how fabulous yoga would be for my scoliosis and backed away as soon as I could.
He was rather…spacey.
He smiled a lot in the same way a hippie would while gazing at the pretty colours surrounding him.

The rest of the yoga-doers were stretching and running through some moves.
I sat there playing with my toes and it was at that point I realised that my brand new top had GIANT arm holes that were flashing my bra to the entire room.
Not a good start.

Before I could think of some way to combat this, the instructor came into the room and told us all to sit.
Crap.
Ah well, hopefully no one will notice.

Having prepared myself for some gentle stretching, I didn’t bother tying my hair back, imaging that I’d look cool or laid-back or something (or at least be able to hide my face if I was messing up!) and I got myself into the first position.
Little did I know I’d spend the next week barely able to move because of the PAIN.

Yoga isn’t nice or relaxing or gentle or anything you’ve been led to believe.
Yoga is torture.
Yoga is evil.
Yoga is the Devil.

I spent an hour twisting myself into awkward positions and finding myself forced to hold them for a minute or more.
I was sweating buckets, my face was tomato-red and my hair was frizzy and sticking to my face.
Oh and while I was suffering through this, I also had the instructor picking on me and kicking my arms and legs further apart or closer together and pointing out everything I was doing wrong.

The class started to wind down and one of the last moves was rolling back on your shoulders and putting you legs up in the area so the majority of your body is perpendicular to the ground.
Now what I haven’t mentioned is that I’m horribly shy and I get really nervous going to new places and meeting new people.
And nerves affect some people differently.
Some people feel/get sick, others get tense and get sore muscles, other people get headaches, some get stomach aches, some cry.
I do none of these things.
I am one of the poor unfortunates whose tummy gets a little funny and I get a little gas-y.
TMI?
Probably.
But you were warned.

A few minutes before this last position, I could feel my tummy starting to tick and I had to fight a very natural urge.
I am a lady.
Of course I’m going to hold it.
And I held it well.
Until I was balancing my body in the air.
And my elbow slipped a little.
As I tried to keep my balance, I forgot to keeping holding.
And a rather loud noise came from my body.
The guy beside me tried to hide a smile.
The girl on my other side failed miserably to hide hers.

I never went back.

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19 Comments

Filed under Let me tell you about the time I....

19 responses to “Let me tell you about the time I….farted in front of my Yoga class

  1. "The Boy"

    I’ll let this post slide and pretend I never saw it 🙂

    xoxo

  2. I’m so sorry that happened to you! I was going to take up yoga next week but I heard that this scenario is quite common so I’m hesitant about going ahha.

  3. happens to the best of us!
    i love yoga
    but believe i know what u mean
    HAHAH

  4. Even though yoga is a challenge it should open up and relax muscles you don’t normally use and ones you use all the time. Like every other exercise it gets easier. Also.. since your body relaxes and it does help the flow of your body.. it’s totally natural to fart in class. Or fall asleep. (at least I don’t snore though.. as much as I love falling asleep in meditation.. I always laugh at heavy snorers.. it’s just so great!) Man I fall asleep SO MUCH during meditation at the end of class. There’s even one move where you sit cross legged and jam you fists into your ovaries and lean over… it’s supposed to help with bowel movements, keeping you regular, and always makes me want to fart. lol. No worries!

  5. This made me laugh so hard! I imagine the scenes in my mind 🙂 Hope it didn’t stop you from going to other yoga classes teeheehee

  6. BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Brilliant!

    Also The Boy – Where the hell is your post?! 😀

  7. Aw! Poor you!
    I too am looking for a new sort of exercise to prevent the ‘tyre round my middle’ getting any better!
    I think I will be avoiding Yoga!

    Kathryn XxX
    http://throughrosetintedlenses.wordpress.com/

  8. I intensely enjoyed this story!!

    Something we can all relate to in some way or another, brilliant!

  9. Pingback: Body Workout 101

  10. HAHAA ahhh that was amazing! x

  11. I blame the yoga! I did a few sessions. Hated it. They say yoga isn’t supposed to hurt? Total bull! Yoga kills! So they deserve a good parp in their faces, so they do, for lying to us all this time! Good on ya!

  12. That’s bad! and also this teacher don’t seem a great one, always calling your attention. Oh i was one of those people who thought yoga was so calm… well life is funny, sometimes. Lool

  13. Oh Hermia, SCARLET for ya! Funny though.

  14. Dorothy

    I laughed so much at this post that my dog sat up and looked at me in bewilderment!

    Thanks so much for the laugh!

  15. ohhh ohhhh ohhhh!!
    my sides are splitting from laughing out loud.. and my office colleagues are thinking that I have lost it!!!! but oh god.. love ur writng!! Im really sorry for ur embarassment though..

  16. hahahaha 🙂 smashing story there Hermia.

    I was tempted to try yoga for the same reasons you did – but I think i’ll give it a miss….xx

  17. I just about died laughing from this, largely because I could see it happening to myself. And stories like these? Are exactly why I refuse to go to a yoga class.

  18. Hahaha..Don’t worry, it’s happened to the best of us….

    Took a hot yoga class here, but was late so had to stand beside the teacher in a mirrored room full of 50 supermodel-types who clearly started doing yoga in utero. Needless to say he didn’t appreciate me, blinded by sweat, falling over on him every two minutes. Hot mess in the most literal way.Yoga causes pain in more ways than one.
    It does get easier though so stick with it!

  19. Zoe

    lolllll, i was in fits reading this anecdote. when i did yoga in TY a girl beside me did this before. i laughed. hah

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