Let me tell you about the time I….had a bad case of Word Vomit

Well as you all know, I’m quite smooth when it comes to dealing with members of the opposite sex.
*pauses for laughter*
Ha, yeah I know.
I’m hilarious!

I’m really useless.
I’m the girl that laughs hysterically when the guy says “I’m having the worst week” or saying weird things like “I have the weirdest rash on my…”

Anyway, working in Lentra wasn’t the most stimulating of jobs and I think that was the reason we (the girls) focused so much of our energy on the boys that came into the shop.
I remember Orla being OBSESSED with this rather average-looking guy that used to come in for his lunch, so much so that she’d spend all day talking about him and then she’d be so stressed out by the time he finally came in that she’d have to hide in the back….or under the food counter.
That’s a story for another day though.
Today you’re hearing about Abberley Boy.

Abberley Boy worked in the Abberley, which was a pub situated at the end of the shop’s street and happened to be our local.
He wasn’t overly attractive or funny or charismatic, but one day I decided he was THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE IN THE WORLD and from that moment on, I couldn’t talk to him like a proper human being should be able to.

Mostly I’d just mumble at him and make too much eye contact, but this one time I decided enough was enough and I was going to talk to him.
He joined the queue at the till I was working on one Sunday afternoon.
I watched him as I was serving the other customers trying to think of some witty observation I could make or something interesting I could say.
I noticed he looked a little tired and there were bits of dust on his top.
I know….I’d make a thoughtful enquiry into his well-being.
He stepped up to the till and opened my mouth:
“Oh my God, you look terrible!!!!!!!!!” I said in a strained hysterical voice.
I closed my mouth.
Holy F**K!
Ok just stop talking, I told myself.
He looked awkward.
“Oh uhm…” he began.
“SERIOUSLY!” I said. “You look REALLY terrible! What HAPPENED to you!? You look awful!”
Ah ah ah ah ah ah, stop forming sounds and words!!
“Oh, uhm, well we’re cleaning out the cellar at the pub,” he said, looking really uncomfortable and probably wishing I’d hurry up scanning his lunch items. “And we’re moving barrels around and stuff, so….”
“Oh right,” I said. “Cool…..cos you look REALLY awful!”
I was one step away from shouting ‘I Love Lamp’
he said, practically throwing his money at me.
I pretty much threw his change right back at him so he’d leave the shop before I said anything else.
“Thanks, cool, well, bye,” he muttered, gathering up his lunch.
“Yeah bye,” I said. “And don’t work too hard, cos you really do look like a mess,” I added waving him out the door.

Oh God.
Just TOO smooth…


Filed under Let me tell you about the time I....

16 responses to “Let me tell you about the time I….had a bad case of Word Vomit

  1. Jules

    haha! morto embarrassment! Sounds like me, I never have any luck with guys offline..! 😦 xx

  2. Ha! Reminds me of the time a good looking girl came over to talk to me at the Summer Ball one year and somehow the (very short) conversation ended with me doing that dance where you hit your knees together and switch hands (apparently called the Charleston Bees Knees according to google) and her backing away slowly looking at me like I was some maniac.

  3. I had this problem with a waitress the other day. I decided she was the cutest girl that had ever waited on me…ever. So what did i do? over enthusiastically thanked her for everything and smiled like an idiot. By time i left i think she probably thought i was a more than a few cards short of a full deck. Well, at least she got a good tip…

  4. Scarlet for ya Hermia! Funny how we all got fixated on average guys at some point or other for no particular reason. It’s like our brain just goes: “Him! Pick him! Now you’ll never be able to hold a normal conversation with him again, ever! Mwahahaha!” Or something to that effect.

  5. Ooh, cringey but hilarious! 🙂 xx

  6. hahaa aw I am so glad I’m not the only one that does things like that! I always end up giggly and loud around people I find attractive. I’m forever having to remind myself to calm down…

  7. Orla

    hahaha KITTY! I remember u coming up to me straight after he left telling me this!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!

  8. Oh god. I never had word vom myself though… More like word constipation.

  9. i’ve had way too many of these awkward conversations 😦
    i spend the rest of the day wincing when i think of them and thinking up a full transcript of how it should’ve gone!

  10. Ha! I once yelled Hola! into a guys face, don’t even know why.

  11. That poor boy. He never saw the awkward coming.

  12. Bahaha! Nothing like stories of the awkward teen years for a good auld laugh.. 😉

  13. ah haaa, you look AWFUL! what a thing to say, i wouldn’t even want to remember some things that have come out of my mouth when I like someone. Why do the Irish suck at flirting and have to just end up insulting? Know exactly what you mean about obsessing over regular guys in dull shop jobs, still..it’s slightly better than obsessing over guys in mass

  14. CRINGE! im still the same today, i CANT talk to gorgeous fellas, i just cant, i turn into a little girl and go red, its ridiculous!

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