My stomach has been in knots for the entire day.
I feel a little nauseous and am quite possibly verging on the edge of a panic attack.
30 minutes until work finishes.
And then at 5:30pm, It starts.
I’m not going.
No one can make me.
I’m a frickin’ adult!
Crap, maybe I should go.
I’m being ridiculous.
I’m a frickin’ adult.
Maybe God wants me to go.
That’s why he made me momentarily crazy enough to get myself into this mess.
I really don’t want to piss God off.
Maybe the momentary craziness was MY fault and God is making me feel this bad because he’s trying to tell me I don’t need to go.
God is so wise.
I’m so deluded.
Crap, I’m totally going to end up going.
Work Friend: You don’t have to go.
Me: Oh but I doooooo. I can’t quit.
Work Friend: Then go!
Me: I caaaaaaaan’t! It’s so hoooorrible!!! All the judgement and the speaking badly in front of people and the judgement!
Work Friend: Well if it’s that bad, you shouldn’t go.
Me: I’m not going. I don’t care. I’m not going.
Work Friend: Ok then…
Me: …….damn, I’m so going to go.
Me: I’m not going to French.
The Boy: What? Pinky?
Me: Yes. I can’t. I’m going to throw up. I’ve been stressed out to the point of cracking up for days. I’m a stress freak, you know that! I couldn’t eat as much as I usually do today! I’m going to waste away!!!!
The Boy: It’s ok *hug*
Me: *sniff* Are you mad at me?
The Boy: Why would I be?
Me: Cos I’m letting you down.
The Boy: You’re not letting me down. I’m really proud that you tried to do it cos I know how hard it was for you.
Me: Because of the school trauma.
The Boy: Yes, because of the school trauma.
Me: I feel bad though. I really wanted to get good at it for you, but at this rate I’ll be a mental patient with the STRESS of it all before I come close to being fluent.
The Boy: I know. Seriously don’t worry. It means a lot that you tried your best.
Me: I hate quitting.
The Boy: Does this mean I don’t have to go to French now?????????
Me: NO!!! You have to go!
The Boy: But I hate it too!!
Me: But you just don’t want to go out of laziness! You’re making a mockery of my decision not to go! You’re good at it and you don’t mind public speaking and you need to do it for WORK!!!
The Boy: Naaaaaaahhhhh I don’t. I’ll just talk to my mam in French.
Me: You won’t do that.
The Boy: Yeah I know.
Me: If you don’t go, I’m going and then you’ll have to live with the guilt of making me do something that will KILL ME!
The Boy: Fine, I’ll go.
The Boy: Do you want to get Chicken Ramen in Wagamama’s with me?
Me: Damn! Fine, you can skip French just this once….