As Meiko croons “I know better not to be friends with boys with girlfriends” and the sweet music trickles through my laptop’s speakers, I begin to muse.
The infamous Harry from When Harry Met Sally, once said, “What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form – is that men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.”
Later on in the film, in an attempt to disprove his original theory, Harry tried to say that they can be friends if both are in other relationships, only a tangent leads him right back to his original point:
Actually, that doesn’t work either, because what happens then is, the person you’re involved with can’t understand why you need to be friends with the person you’re just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say “No, no, no it’s not true, nothing is missing from the relationship,” the person you’re involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you’re just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let’s face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can’t be friends.
So is it true?
Logic would suggest that if you get on well enough with a member of the opposite sex to be friends with them, then a foundation has been laid for a romantic relationship.
But are you necessarily going to be physically attracted to all your opposite-sex friends?
Or do we keep friends of the opposite sex because we know we get on with them on a mental, intellectual and maybe emotional level, and so they’ll be just about physically attractive enough for you to consider them for a one-night fling if you’re lonely or just plain drunk?
Is it a romantic survival instinct: forward planning?
Or would it be that on some level you would be somewhat attracted to your opposite-sex friend, and whether or not your relationship evolves simply depends on the crazy unpredictability of life?
So should you be wary of girls your boyfriend is good friends with, or boys your girlfriend spends hours chatting to? Should you be freaked out if he still hangs out with an Ex, or even if she’s sniffing around him: if he’s been there once, will he go there again, especially with encouragement?
I’ve been spared any serious female-friend anxiety, because predominantly The Boy is a lads’ lad, but I have been known to choke on my own spit if he mentions talking to a college friend that happens to be without a penis. Why was he talking to her? Why couldn’t he talk to me? Is he talking about things that they have in common that he can’t talk to me about because I’m clueless on the subject? Will he leave me because she likes Muse and I’ve remained unimpressed by their efforts? Should I pretend to be interested in football!
All ridiculous of course, and what kind of a girlfriend would I be if I forbid him to talk to or have female friends!? I’ll answer that: a pretty crappy one.
Sure I have more boy friends than girl, and he’s never begrudged me their friendship!
But I’m a girl ….I’m a little emotional ….I know how other girls think (guys really are oblivious to the scheming of a female mind) …..so I worry ….no, I panic hysterically for a few seconds every now and again.
Logic, trust and sheer sense goes out the window.
Silly, but then I do have to wonder if Harry had a point….
A Chick Named Hermia 
I know your pain. I’m the jealous type and I have been known to act a little over the top when it comes to Boyfriends female friends. I’m always suspicious yet I can’t talk because I have an uneven ratio of male to female friends. I’m most definitely a lads girl.
I think its possible to be friends with the opposite sex and have no underlying sexual undertones – there are plenty of fellas I’m friends with that sexual attraction completely absent.
P.S As long as Muse are fronted by a whiny hamster looking man who wails like a cat making friends with a chainsaw, I too will remain unimpressed by their efforts.
I’m not sure, I know a lot of people who are friends with guys and girls alike, they seem to do it with ease.
Me on the other hand, I’m so insecure I always think they’ll leave me for them… & I can be friends with guys, but I always wonder if they like me, or they could like me… it’s a sick and twisted circle…
One day, I’ll have guy & girl friends alike, my partner will too and it won’t be a big deal.
So weird Kitty – I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately! Its so nice to know I’m not the only one freaking about about little tiny things like that! I always feel like I’m completely over-reacting but can’t help it!
I think you answered it clearly – No. The fact is that on some level there is a tension that occurs and the guy (sorry guys) friend will at a certain point in time make you aware that you are not a guy friend.
Males who have lots of female friends do act differently in front of them when their wife/soon to be is around. I’ve seen “nice” people do it and it always made me feel uneasy.
Another thing is that friends of the opposite sex do provide a bit of an ego booster, the truth is out, without the commitment of a real man/woman relationship. I’ve decided not to have any close male friends should I ever fall in love, and he better be the same way 🙂 I think it’s only fair and a lot easier on the mind. “Harry” was right.
By the way, I like your blog, you seem to type exactly what you feel, nicely done.
interesting, i prefer male company… it does lead to the romantic wonderings though!
I do believe that guys and girls can be friends – but they both have to be on the same page. Which is rare. But I do think its possible.
I dont get jealous very easily. My husband could have a swath of chic friends and it wouldnt bug me as long as he was open about it.
I dont know, its a funny topic – i think it can be so true for some and not work in the slightest for others. the bottom line is both people – in friends or relationships- haev to be on the same page, or that gets ugly.
i feel like im just rambling on here so im going to stop 🙂
I stumbled across your blog today, and when I read this post I had to comment; my friend and I were just having this discussion last night. (She’d just seen When Harry Met Sally for the first time.) Personally, I think it’s all about the level of emotional intimacy. If a friendship with a male friend gets too emotionally intimate, the question of physical intimacy will rears its head, every time.
I am a woman in her late 20s (well, almost 30) with a lot of female friends, and also some guy friends. I am a relatively nice person, who can talk with most people. I consider myself quite intuitive (I know that is such a cliche) but can typically get along with people in most situations. Anyway, my boyfriend of 3.5 years has both guy and girl friends, and many of these friends (from college) live out-of-state. I get along with most of his guy friends very well, and many of his female friends, too. Most of his female friends have been nice/cordial to me, too. But he has one female friend who is not very open to me, and is just somewhat rude. She doesn’t talk much, and when she does, it’s about herself – she is quite selfish and doesn’t seem to want to get to know me at all. She lives far away and wants to come visit him (airplane ride…costly…) and explore the area where we live.
This girl is younger than me by 4 years or so, and many of her friends are guys. There’s nothing wrong with that, but when my boyfriend is hanging out with his guy friends from college, she’ll ask if she can go (buy a plane ticket to the event!) and hang with all the guys. She’s hooked up with my bf’s good friend, who my bf still hangs with and who she still hangs with. She’s also hooked up with another guy in the group. She and my bf have never hooked up.
My bf said he considers her only a friend, of course, and I completely trust him. Seriously. I know people say jealousy is due to trust issues in a relationship – and I think it is due to trust issues here, but not with him, with her. I also know I am somewhat insecure, because he went to college with this girl and has shared experiences/interests with her. I can never share in those experiences, and my interests are different.
I’ve tried to be nice to her, and she is just not a nice/friendly person to me. She says somewhat twisted things to me, like one time when she visited she said to me at dinner (she is pretty/slender), “I eat a lot – (bf) always comments on how much I eat, hasn’t he told you that?” and then she said to him “you haven’t told her that?” I said, “No, (bf)’s never mentioned it to me” (I wanted to wring her neck). Just little things like that, where she wants to be the center of attention or know that (bf) is talking about her to me. I don’t know.
I told him about the situation; I was just so frustrated with this girl. I told my boyfriend about how some women can be so deceiving and how rude she is to me (always bringing up old college inside stuff that I wouldn’t know about, not asking me anything about my life, bringing up past history stuff where I can’t really add to the conversation because I wasn’t there, etc)… I also tried to make the point that if/when he meets my guy friends, my guy friends would be really excited to get to know him, and find out more about him. They would be really excited to finally meet my guy. But this girl totally ignores me.
After pointing these things out, he didn’t know how to act. He was nervous/anxious, and he didn’t want me to be upset. I didn’t tell him not to be friends with her (of course) but that it bothered me how HE COULD BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS SO RUDE TO ME. He sort of got it, but I don’t think completely. He did say he would try to keep me more included in conversations, and that he would look out for this behavior.
I guess I just don’t understand how my boyfriend of 3.5+ years can’t see her rudeness, and why he’s even friends with her? Maybe I just don’t see how she is with him when I’m not there, maybe she’s nice, and fun… But I think he enjoys having her as a friend, and enjoys the attention he gets from her, and enjoys talking about the old college days with her. I think this happens more when I’m not there because I’m not a part of his college days.
The thing is, I know he loves me, and that he will be with me. I asked if she was a good enough friend that he would invite her to our wedding (eventually!), and he said yes… I guess I don’t know what to do to deal with her for the rest of my/our lives…. She is the only one of his friends I have a problem with, and what I think I want is for him to SEE how rude she is, and for him to see what a terrible, deceptive, horrible person she is. But he probably will never see this side of her? I feel somewhat slighted because I just want to feel loved by him and ALL of his friends, and the fact that she is horrible makes me sad.
Thoughts?