This is the next installment in our anonymous Secret Stories series.
Just a note to anyone who has submitted a piece, I have a backlog right now, and because I’m only featuring two a week, it may take a few weeks for some of your pieces to be featured, so don’t think I’m not using them or have forgotten about them!
To submit your own Secret Story, click HERE
Ok. The person this is to (my best friend) only knows a small part of what I’m about to confess…
So sometime around autumn last year, I went out with my best friend ‘L’, her boyfriend ‘T’ and her other best friend ‘P’. We went to see a film and generally frolicked about. It was fun and I enjoyed myself as I usually do. However, when I got home, ten minutes into a conversation on MSN with L, she then said something that I will never forget:
‘I’m uncomfortable with the way you touch T’
I sat there frozen in shock, unblinking, unable to believe what my eyes were telling me. I frantically thought back to how I touched him, and the most I could recall was pinching him hard when he tried to joke slap me in the cinema.
A long time after this incident, L informed me that I had stroked him arm at one point, but what she forgot was that I joke punched him straight after.
Anyway, I a few minutes later of sitting absolutely still, I blinked and tried to take a deep breath, only to be choked by a rising sob from inside my chest. My fingers shook as I typed out a response. I was so confused.
What was she accusing me of?
Rhetorical question.
I knew what she was trying to say. Unspoken words: she didn’t trust me.
That hurt.
It hurt so, much.
I grinned absurdly as tears ran down my face, my heart hurting, and carried on with my conversation with L.
‘Glad that’s all sorted (:’ she said.
The huge, teeth-showing grin upon my face was quite fake. I just sat there, silently crying with that grin on my face.
And for the next few months, I carried on grinning (metaphorically).
But I was pretending. The love I had for her as my best friend was slowly diminishing. Any little stupid thing she’d say, any slow moment, anything I found annoying about her helped let my anger at her grow. Then sometime around February it had got seriously bad.
I was in a very low mood for about a month. Looking back now, I honestly think that I was depressed. I had been having problems breathing; no matter how deep the breath I took, I still found myself short of air. I went around almost panting for quite some time. There was also my hatred of people in general. I despised being around anyone, especially L. At lunchtimes I would sit quietly in a corner reading and listening to music. This didn’t go unnoticed, as usually I’m jumping around, singing, shouting, laughing and getting into trouble with the rest of my friends. I was also constantly tired. I could go to bed at 7pm and wake up at 6.30am and it would be like I had only had an hours sleep. I could go to bed at 12pm and wake up at 6.20am and it would be like I had only had an hours sleep. It made no difference what time I went to bed or got up at. I was always deathly tired. I was constantly falling asleep in lessons, which did not help at all. Part of this tiredness had to do with my waking up constantly during the night and my inability to go back to sleep once it had happened.
At that horrible part of my life, I used to think how lovely it would be to fall asleep and just never wake up…
Thankfully after about 6 weeks all of that stopped.
I recently tried telling my mum about it but she just laughed and mocked me. I couldn’t tell her WHY I had fallen into that…depression, as she doesn’t like L and T much anyway. But I don’t care to be honest. It’s over and I’m thankful for that.
T is like my brother. We tease each other, we have deep, late night conversations with each other, we give each other advice, we cuss each other, we punch/pinch/slap each other. Our relationship is akin to one of a sibling relationship. It’s honestly like he’s my older brother and he’s often said that he see’s me as his little sister.
A few deep, late night conversations ago, I confessed a lot of this to him and he listened. It felt so good to tell someone. He confessed to me about how much he truly loved L, and how he didn’t ever think their relationship would work, how he didn’t know what he’d do if they were to ever split. But his main thing was that he didn’t think L knew how much he loves her. I tried to comfort him, but silently agreed. She didn’t. She still doesn’t despite him trying to show it on numerous occasions. One of L’s bad traits is that she’s extremely insecure (as you can probably guess now…). The first time he confessed how much he loved her she didn’t believe him and thought he was trying to break up with her. As soon as they went to their own homes, she rang me and asked if it was true that he had told me about this, and if he wasn’t breaking up with her.
It was all true. The previous night he had been on webcam and msn with me and he was pouring his heart out to me and crying.
Yet when I told her, she was still unsure.
I hope one day I will be able to get over what she did (unknowingly) to me or find the courage to tell her what I’ve written out here. I also hope that one day (hopefully soon) she’ll realise how much T loves her and not doubt or question it. I’ve lost a lot of trust in her but despite it all, I still love her like I did before any of this happened.
It feels like such a relief for this to be known. Maybe the readers will understand where I’m coming from? People are constantly saying to me ‘you don’t deserve a friend like L. She’s too good for you’
If only they knew huh?
A Chick Named Hermia 
a friend which doens´t trust you, is like having no friend at all.. I understand what you´re writing, I understand your feelings. Trust me, It will be better soon. Much better. There´s always a bright side to bad stories. Trust me, I know
That is true, BUT you can kind of understand the friend….I mean she might trust her not to have a one-night stand with her boyfriend, but she can’t trust that they won’t suddenly realise they’re in love!
What a great idea! Secret stories are interesting.
http://www.denwrites.com
Your blog is so cool I Stumbled it!
It is so hard when your best friend unexpectantly turns and accuses you of something that’s not true. I had it last year and it hurt me so much and it still does. Just remember that people often exaggerate things/ are more bold when they’re on msn because they’re not saying it to your face. I do feel for you though because although I’ve forgiven my friend for saying what she said, it still crosses my mind every now and again x
Yeah it is easier to be too blunt on MSN or Gmail. Again though, if my best friend was touching The Boy a lot, in a way that could be seen as flirty, I’d have a problem too…you can say you’re ‘just friends’ as much as you like, but deep down, there’s an attraction there and that’s why you’re friends! It could easily turn into something more! PLUS, imagine how humiliated the friend must feel if they’re all in public, and her best friend is touching her boyfriend in an intimate manner…we all know that everyone in the room would presume there was something going on between the best friend and the boyfriend and that would be terribly embarrassing for the friend!
I really sympathise. I’ve found it so hard to find good girl mates as they always tend to be insecure and distrusting. That’s why I prefer men as friends, what you see is what you get! That’s probably why you’ve only opened up to him about the situation.
You’re not alone, I think we’ve all had someone close to us be so insecure it wrecks their relationship. I just hope you can overcome it and your friendship can resume.
It really sounds like she has deep insecurities, not to psychoanalyse, but has she had problems with men walking out on her or treating her badly? If this is the case you need to know that what she’s feeling about you and T can’t be helped, she may not even realise it. So try not to take it personally, she probably feels the same about everyone that’s close to her, that she’ll be abandoned/hurt/left alone and by being on the offensive she feels she’s protecting herself. It’s self destructive as she’ll find it hard to make real friends, but it’s a way of protecting herself from being hurt.
I really hope you can open up to her, maybe by telling her that you have no intention of ever hurting her, that you’ll always be there for her will help. It might take years for her to believe it, but by telling her that you and T have a platonic friendship she may find it easier being in your company.
That was really good advice, Laura! I really think the best friend needs to be cut some slack rather than being accused of ‘just not trusting her friend’…it’s not that simple, and I feel the friend should have realised that her behaviour with the boyfriend could be upsetting!
You need to talk to your friend, at the moment you’re just bottling it all up inside and letting it fester and she probably doesn’t even realise the problem.
IMO, you should have a heart to heart with your friend. Tell her that her not trusting you really hurt you and that this has been bothering you for months. You might have a row, fight whatever but sometimes you need to have conflict and let it out in the air than avoiding conflict and letting it settle on your heart.
Please take my advice with a pinch of salt, but I can see myself doing what you did i.e. smiling etc. although deep down you’re annoyed and upset but you suppress and hide it because you don’t want to have a row. Someone gave me good advice, and said that confronting something and having it out can be better than just trying to hide from it.
Also I wanted to post this link – its an irish website but the information is extremely helpful
http://www.aware.ie/help/information/symptoms_types_depression/
Also here is a handy list of symptoms of depression:
FESTIVAL
* Feeling – sad, anxious or bored
* Energy – low energy, feeling tired or fatigued
* Sleep – under- or over-sleeping, or waking frequently during the night
* Thinking – poor concentration, thinking slowed down
* Interest – loss of interest in hobbies, family or social life
* Value – low self-esteem and guilt feelings
* Aches – physical aches and pains with no physical basis, e.g. chest/head/tummy pain associated with anxiety or stress
* Life – loss of interest in living, thinking about death, suicidal thoughts
Hermia (sorry about additional comments) but just occurred to me that might be good idea (not sure if this would be a bit much to lay on you) to add links at bottom of secret posts – helpsites/organisations related to the topic of the secret (like bulimia, depression etc.) as some of the secret stories seem to relate (in some way or another to) to mental illness (hate that term, but can’t think of another one) and might be helpful to the writer of the story but also to readers who might be going through same thing?
Tbh, I’ve thought about but Secret Stories isn’t about labelling a writer or preaching to others…it’s a release for the person who submits it and a chance for them to hear what other people think. If they want a proper site to help with their problems, they have Google to take them to hundreds, but what these people need is support from the ordinary, everday person who they’re afraid to tell. It’s reassurance that no one is judging them.
In all honesty, the opinion of a professional or someone going through the same problem isn’t as reassuring as the ‘normal world’ telling you they still love you!
Hey, just wanna throw my two cents in about the L/T/P situation.
If I was L, I would definitely take issue with my best friend touching my boyfriend, even in a teasing and “sisterly” way. And as for long deep meaningfuls on MSN? Seriously. The guy should be pouring his heart out to the girl he loves, not her best friend. Am I being too blunt? Sorry if it comes across that way.
I can completely understand that there is a strong friendship between L and T, and that’s fine. But when T and the writer got together, that was the cue for L to take a sisterly step back and start seeing T as her best friend’s boyfriend as well as her friend. There are boundaries, and it seems as though the writer may have inadvertently crossed them.
Obviously it was unintentional, otherwise the effect physically and mentally wouldn’t have been so great. And when L told the writer how she felt, it must’ve come as a shock and it must have seemed as though a lack of trust existed. But the writer admits herself that L has trust and insecurity issues…surely a good friend would understand that and as such maintain an acceptable distance from L’s man until the insecurity was killed by the unconditional love T was going about showing.
I think L and the writer have issues between themselves that need discussing, but I think understanding on both sides needs to happen, and I definitely don’t think something like this is worth leaving a friendship behind for. Friends are the family you choose, so if you’ve got good ones, hang on to them.
Rambling? Me? Never.
Peace xx