Secret Story No.1 -Squeeze and I

Foreword: So this is the first Secret Stories post. I want to say thank you to our first contributor for being brave enough to talk about her experiences and hopefully more of you will be inspired to share your stories with us.
For more information on submitting a piece to Secret Stories, click HERE

Well my secret story begins over a year ago when i first started going out with this guy: we shall call him Squeeze.

Well Squeeze and I were happy but I was young and I had cheated on my previous boyfriends being stupid and immature like I was. Anyway it all started when we were going out a few months and he went away on holidays with the boys, firstly because of my insecurities and then just my past nature. This cute guy (guy#1) who my friends knew started chatting me up we ended up back at a house party with my friends and he dropped me home later that night and then we kissed nothing more.

I felt terrible at first but knew no one would find out which tempted me to meet this guy two more times just leading to kisses.

A few weeks later I was at a birthday party away with my friends when we got invited back to a hotel party after with the DJ’s. Of course me and my friend accepted cause we are always up for a party and at the very end of the night I kissed one of the guys(guy#2).

Again feeling somewhat guiltly I moved on from it.

I was then with a friend’s brother (guy#3) I met one night in the club and we slept together. I moved on quick from this as no one knew bar one of my housemates who cheated on her boyfriend reguraly so I didn’t se eit as a problem.

A month or so later I was at a house party at a friend’s house when a friend of mine started chatting me up. I knew it wasn’t right as he was my boyfriend’s friend but he had always made it obvious he wanted to be with me. We ended up having sex (guy#4) which made me feel terrible butagain I moved on.

Then another one of my boyfriends friends tried it on with me another night a few months on after a night of a litre of vodka. We kissed (guy#5) and he was the worst I felt  because this was my boyfriends best friend: if he found out about this it would kill him.

I decided to break up with my boyfriend as my guilt was getting to me so I just kept picking fights with him. I went away for the weekend and he kissed another girl which finalised our break up.

I moved on and started kissing other guys when rumors started coming up about guy#4 and my ex questioned me. I denied everything as I knew there was no proof but began worrying about guy#5 spilling the beans. I was really missing my ex and was beginning to realise that I really did love him and wanted to be with him.

We started kissing again but he kept saying we wouldn’t get back together cause he didn’t fully trust me (with good reason). I knew in my heart I couldn’t get back with him knowing all the secrets I had but I knew I wanted nothing more but him. Finally my head won over my heart and i told him i couldnt kiss him any more. I then moved on and kissed another guy which broke Squeeze’s heart as he then told me he thought we were getting back together (which I thought he had always made clear we were not).

I was mad but I knew it was for the best. I kept kissing this new guy for a while (we’ll call him Bob)! I started getting panic attacks and really stressed over the whole thing with Squeeze and I decided to tell him about me cheating on him.

I told him about guy#1 and guy#4 as I decided the others were not worth mentioning as no one knew of them.  I could never tell him of guy#5 as he would never forgive me, never mind this friend of his causing un-necessary trouble.

Squeeze hated me for a while but I could tell he was more hurt than angry. He told me if I had told him bout cheating on him he probaly would have forgiven me but now he wanted nothing to do with me as I was a liar.

I started going out with Bob and am still in a relationship with him.

The hurt i saw Squeeze feel has really affected me and I vowed never to cheat again. Its going good with Bob with only one near slip up with a friend from back home, but I controled myself. I’m trying with him to change my ways and it seams to be going ok but I am still only at the beginning of the relationship.

Its tough because I know Squeeze is the only guy i want to be with and spend my life with. He barely wants to talk to me but did email me recently to tell me how he was sad so much had changed but he didnt forgive me.

I’m trying my best with Bob but I know he’s not Mr Right for me: he’s just kinda doing for the minute. I’m worried that I may never love again like i did with Squeeze or ever find a guy like him. I’m worried I will never be with him again and if I am, how will I live with myself about guy#5 and will he ever find out about him?

I’ve gotten so stressed about it and being in my final year of college doesnt help either. I’m young but I’m worried Squeeze will find someone else better than me. I’m so mad at how badly I treated him and I wish we worked.

Only my best friend knows about all this and she has a bad attitude towards men so she doesnt think I was wrong with what I did. It feels good to tell some one and maybe see some responses on this subject. Sorry about the long message and thanks for listening.

Let me tell you about the time I…found The Boy looking very suspicious

It’s my first time back on the Posting Horse since I made the finalist list for Best Personal Blog in the Irish Blogging Awards and NOTHING seems worthy enough to be written about!!!

It was posts like The time I felt up The Boy’s Granny and The time firemen broke me out of a bedroom that got me to this stage, and I think they might have been the only funny things to ever happen to me. Ever.

A crisis of confidence  has ensued, made worse by the fact that one of the other finalists in my category is currently referring to me as A Chick Named HERNIA….nice.

But nevertheless, the show must go on……Queen were SO wise….

My brother’s 19th Birthday was on Friday (jaysus, I feel like such an old person now), so in long-running Hermia’s-Family tradition we all got together for a family dinner, which was topped off by an AMAZING raspberry cheesecake that looked like it was bought in a shop but was made by Ma!

This story is not about cheesecake though.

I think it’s the first time since we moved in together that The Boy has had the apartment to himself for a whole evening, because we’re both normally out on the same nights, so I was a little curious as to what he’d get up to when I wasn’t around: crazy parties, naked dancing, who could tell?

Getting into the lift in our apartment block, I sent him a quick text saying In Lift….it was mainly so he’d open the door for me and I wouldn’t have to search through my bag for 10mins, but also maybe a way to prevent me walking in on an uncomfortable scene involving magazines,women’s clothes and whipped cream…. (well I’m not a BOY…I don’t know what they all get up to during their private time…)

So I get to the front door, and dammit, he hasn’t taken my hint and I spend the obligatory HOURS searching for my keys.

Into the apartment I walk, and doing my best sleazy man impression I say…

“Hey Babay!”.

The Boy: *silence* Uhm hey…

Oh Jesus, I’m thinking, I haven’t actually walked in on…

Me: *hanging up coat* Is everything OK?

The Boy: Uhm yeah…

Me: *walking into sitting room* Are you sure?

The Boy is lying out on the couch, fully clothed, with Floyd (the Kitten, not some random guy) lying on his lap.

The Boy: *looking a little guilty* Yeah.

Me: Did you get my text.

The Boy: Uhm yeah… *looks REALLY suspicious*

Me: Are you sure you’re OK?

The Boy: Yeah. How was dinner?

Me: *looking around the room suspiciously* Yeah, it was good. What were you doing?

A staring match ensues.

I win.

The Boy reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out….

Me: Why did you have two apple cores shoved in your pocket?

The Boy: Uhm….well I thought you parents were coming up….

Me: ….so you shoved apple cores in your pocket?

The Boy: Well they were on the table and it looked messy and I didn’t want to move the cat….

Me: ….so you shoved apple cores in your pocket?

The Boy: Eh….yeah…..

Me: Why did you think my parents were coming up.

The Boy: Cos of your text.

Me: ….but I just said I was in the lift.

The Boy: Yeah, I thought you were warning me they were with you.

Me: But I’d normally say “My parents are coming up…” if my parents were coming up.

The Boy: Well I thought maybe you didn’t have time to text, and that’s why you just said “In lift”.

Me: But you always text me that when you’re in the lift.

The Boy: Oh yeah….

I think living with my crazy behaviour has turned The Boy into a paranoid wreck……poor dude…..oh well!!!! 😀

Can anyone tell me …

…why it is we’re capable of saying the most awful things to the people we love the most even though we know it will hurt then and even though most of the things we’ll say aren’t true?

Also, if anyone has the cure for this affliction, I’d be most obliged!